Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Lyrics: A Modest Proposal by Taylor Swift

We gotta stop the children
stop the children
from being a burden
from being a burden
stop the children
stop the children
from being a burden
from being a burden

Mamma, don't let your child
Go out and be wild
Be a burden to all
And drop out from school

Say this is it
For our benefit
And what do we need?
We need to feed.

A healthy child so well nursed,
at one year fit to burst,
Is not only delicious
but also nutricious

They make wholesome food,
whether roasted or stewed,
Your child may be spoiled
but not when they're boiled;

No matter what you do
a fricassee, or ragout
You will have done well
When your child's done well

So Cash in your flock
Your chips off the old block
Give the wealthy a treat
Turn your monsters to meat

And feel guilty no more
About fast-food galore
Your logic is sound
There's more to go round

So do what is right
Decide it tonight
It's a simple, honest fate
From playroom to plate

And say the world's doing fine
With this modest proposal of mine

Lyrics (c) 2015 by Jonathan Swift/Peter More

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Open Letter from a Publicity Seeker

Dear Celebrity or Head of Major Organisation,

You don’t know me, and that’s why I’m writing this letter. I could send it direct to you, but then no one would know I’d sent it, and the purpose is not to simply inform you of some facts or opinions or opinions masquerading as facts, but to inform the world that I have informed you of these facts or opinions or opinions masquerading as facts. You have recently spoken out about or simply on a topic I also have some passing knowledge of. You have created quite a buzz, whether you wanted to or not. It seems unfair to me that someone such as yourself, about whom there is already quite a bit of buzz, has said something that has generate even more buzz about yourself. Whereas someone such as myself has no buzz around them whatsoever, despite my numerous open letters on topics about which there is quite a bit of buzz. It is increasingly frustrating that my equally ill-thought-through opinions are not getting the airing, simply because you are “famous” whatever that means. What it seems to mean is that everything you say, creates some so-called buzz. Well, if that’s the definition, then logic dictates that anyone with buzz-worthy views should also be famous, and hence my letter.

I know as someone with a busy schedule, it might seem easy to simply ignore this letter, but please don’t. Please respond. In this crazy, celebrity-obsessed world, it is all too easy to ignore the unfamous, but by doing so you are ensuring they remain unfamous forever, which seems highly selfish. I don’t care how you respond: feint praise or severe trashing, but please do so in public, in keeping with the spirit of this open letter. In doing so, you will keep alive the discussion, feed the buzz and continue the great trickle-down effect of fame that has served our society so well over the years.

Yours Sincerely,

Richard Wannabé,

Publicity Seeker.

Monday, April 06, 2015

Japanese Method, Spring Cleaning inside your House, And also your Soul.

Fukugodafo is the new Japanese system for clearing your house of clutter that is sweeping the world. Here we've extracted the beginning of author Watyugota Intoanada’s best-selling book, “The Sands of Your Things.”

The first step to cleaning the house is cleaning the mind. Empty your mind of you and become the house. This might sound difficult at first, but it is easy. Sit in the middle of your house and say “I am the house.” It might help to take a brick out of one of the walls and clasp it in your hand. Feeling the rough surface of the brick and imagining that all of you is made of this brick. Very soon you will become one with the brick, as well as the wood, plaster and even the fabrics, of your house. Then you will know what you do not need. Unneeded things are like vermin. When you have become the house, you will be able to smell the vermin, and you must get rid of them. Keeping the vermin of your stuff in your house is like inviting the gods to eat your face off. It is a bad idea.

Now you are your house and you can smell the vermin you can easily find the things you do not need. Remove them. You must be cruel. They might have served you well in the past, but now they are dead to you. Remove them. Place them in ceremonial white bags (available from the website) and leave them outside. Do not care when the men who collect such things come, the stuff must be removed. Place the bags outside and pray to the gods of things removed to take them. They may come in many forms. In some places there are laws that state when and where you must place your unwanted things outside. Some places even say which colour bags you must use – but you must use white. These laws are bad demons sent to keep you from your task. Ignore them. Ignore also the agents of these demons and the so-called ‘fines’ they might demand. These are Earthly resistors to the true path of your endeavours.

Some things may seem too personal to get rid of, but you must be strong and obey what the house tells you. The questions you must ask yourself are given below. I have labelled them with numbers for the convenience of the unenlightened, but I consider numbers superfluous and do not have them in my house.

  1. In your ‘I am the house’ state, do they smell of vermin? If so get rid of them. If they smell also of vermin when you are not in that state, then they should probably also go.
  2. Do you sleep holding them every night? If not, then why are they in your life? You should only own what you clutch every night. Otherwise it is nothing to you and only destroys your inner thing-chi.
  3. Is the thing keeping you alive? I have, after much reflection, added this rule. There are objects that keep us alive. Whilst, the purest in me only abides by the first two rules, there are sometimes objects that people have which, whilst they do not clutch them all night, there is some evidence that these objects keep them longer on this plane, which seems to be a common desire amongst many of my clients. I might have been a bit to firm in the past with certain former clients about such things as inhalers, medicines and artificial lungs.

People have asked me, “what about pets?” I refer them to the three rules above. These are the only rules you need. They apply to anything in your home.

People then ask, “but what about live-in relatives or husbands or lodgers or children?” Again, these are things in your dwelling and are subject to the above cosmic rules. If your pet or family member smells of vermin to the house, or, indeed, to you, they are unneeded. If you do not sleep clutching them every night, then they should go. If they are your primary care-giver and you have a life-threatening condition, then my lawyers have asked me to state that you should keep them even though this could result in the gods ripping off your face.

This is just a short insight into the amazing world of reducing your stuff. If you follow these rules and buy all the books in this series, transcend all 17 levels in my course programme, you will not only have the perfect home, clear of the vermin of unneeded stuff, but you will live a truly fulfilled life where the chances of your face being ripped off by a passing demon is almost nothing.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

176 Reasons Why This List Is More Tedious Than The 183 Lists We've Already Published Today.

  1. What are you doing here?
  2. Why did you even click on this link?
  3. You're still reading!
  4. What is wrong with you?
  5. You need help!
  6. This list doesn't get any better.
  7. I know you hope it will, but it won't.
  8. The title was the best part, the rest is just filler.
  9. I'm not saying that to be funny. It's the truth.
  10. Really, still reading?
  11. There is no hope for you.
  12. Frog port salami piggle.
  13. You are still reading even after a line that made NO SENSE!
  14. I give up.
  15. I don't have the patience to write 176 lines just because one sorry example from the internet is so bored he or she'll read absolutely anything.
  16. I'm stopping.
  17. I mean it.
  18. You'll be disappointed.

Told you.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Denmark begins cull of anything inbred: Racehorse owners and Royal Families fear.

Danish commandos are tonight readying themselves to storm race-horse stables and greenhouses in their bid to stamp out inbreeding. And some say it won't stop there. They say the next phase will be sending the commandos into small, remote villages and it will all end with a huge assault on the royal Danish palace.

A spokesperson for the Danish Society For Inbreeders told Utter Newsense, "This is disgusting. I can't imagine how it would be if they came into my house and carted off my wife and sister. I'd miss her so much."

Prince Marius was described as "anxious."

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Utter Newsense Acquires Klux Noos

Klux Noos
In our constant battle to cover as much of the political spectrum as possible, we've made many alliances with (or takeovers of) all sorts of news outlets. With organisations such as National Rifle News, OurFault Radio, Rainbow Collective Newsletter, Citizens Band Radio, Liberal Elite HiQ app, Reefer Madness Monthly, Mad Scientists Underground Newsgroup and Our latest and biggest acquisition is up-and-coming American broadcaster catering for white, paranoid millionaires. So, let us welcome them to the fold. But don't get too close, they'll probably think you're trying to kill them.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Utter Newsense site back up despite best efforts of Google

Cat on Google Hacks BookIt's every online editor's nightmare: Having your domain go down. Well, this editor had his disappear entirely. Admittedly it was his own fault, having decided to reduce the losses of this internet news resource by letting google host it. The only problem: google's online documentation. This combined with the other only problem: an overworked editor, meant that the whole opperation had a downtime that would bankrupt most legitimate news organisations. But not Utter Newrsense. Our middle name is "resilience." That and editorial compaicency. But with all the hosty things now working, and all the stuff happening in the world, expect a new story any time in the next 3 months.

To the future.
The Editor

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Latest Hollywood War Movie: "Dunkirk!"

Latest Hollywood War Movie: "Dunkirk!" 

Starring Bruce Willis as an American veteran who, with hundreds of his countrymen, including daughter Lindsey Lohan, sails in his fishing boat over to the beaches of Paris, France to save the British Army. Adolf Hitler (played by Alan Rickman), has a personal grudge against Bruce (who in the First World War shot him in the lip, forcing him to hide the scar under a moustache) and does all he can to thwart him. Look out for the great cameo by Leonardo DiCaprio as Winston Churchill.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Movie News: The Beaver

Mel Gibson has a new movie.

Oh, my god, plenty of material there already. Go on.

It's called "The Beaver."

Okay, control yourself. Keep calm. Keep Calm.

It's about a man who can only communicate through a hand-puppet.

You mean he talks through his beaver?

Well you could say that, but...

Is it a sort of "Leathal Muppet?"

Sort of. It's also about a border-line crazy person who expresses themselves through objects. But this time it's a hand-puppet and not a hand-gun.

So, it's more like a movie rip off of Nina Conti's act.

I suppose so.

The one thing that bothers me is...

What's that?

What are they going to call the porn version?


Mel Gibson The Beaver ******* Jews!

The Beaver will be set free in 2011.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Return of the Jedi - original "down" ending revealed

George Lucas has revealed how his original ending for the blockbuster-smash-sequel The Return of the Jedi was much more of a downer than the commercially-fuelled film that was actually made. In the original ending, the Ewok civilisation was wiped out by a sexually transmitted disease introduced by Chewbacca. Also the ghost of the Emperor returns and used uses Force-powered Ghostbuster-style technology to suck up and capture the ghosts of Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Anekin Skywalker. In the new democratic galaxy, former royals are forced to work and Leia finds herself in Jabba the Hutt's old den - now a sleazy club - dancing for a living in a gold bikini. Most fans say they would have preferred this ending.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

World-Cup Statistics Table for you to fill in

Fumbled Saves
Dives in penalty area
Number of refereeing mistakes against
Number of refereeing mistakes for
Number of coaches since last world cup
Players sent home by current coach
Number of team mutinies during championship

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Prehistoric News: Pterodactyls Grounded by Ash Cloud

Dateline: 8th darkness, 3rd Moon, 65,000,000 BC

Giant mountain ash from place fireball struck ground stop pterodactyl fly. Beginning of end warn Diplodocus with placard. Is nothing to fear says Tyrannosaurus. What is this Wuthering in the Heights, demands Brontësaurus.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Teenager Locks Herself in Her Boat for Seven Months

It's every parent's nightmare. A screaming argument at the end of which your teenage child storms off, slams the cabin door and refuses to come on land for dinner for half a year. For one family, Mr and Mrs W of Afterperth, Australia, the nightmare happened after an argument over whether imperial or nautical miles were the best, in which their daughter screamed at them that she wished she had "never been seaborne."

The W's daughter not only stomped to her yacht, but took the step of having her yacht stomp off to sea. Tweeting via facelog that her parents "didn't understand," she stayed in her boat, for seven months.

When asked whether he thought her daughter would be lonely, Mr W replied, "She's a teenager. Of course she'll be lonely."

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

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