Wednesday, December 22, 2004

US to invade service station for charging too much for gas

The pentagon has announced America's intention to invade the Shaffer Good Custom Service Station in Prosiac, Montanna unless it starts charging less to US citizens.


Typical Service Station.

Diplomatic efforts are being made to prevent the invasion and the UN has offered to send in Price Inspectors. US Secretary for Defense, Insert Name, said that this was all "Time Wasting" and denounced Rob Shaffer, proprietor of the service station, as one of the most evil men known to man.

Also on this 'evil' list also includes Ernie Holt, pump attendant at the service station, and Seth Pinkerston who wipes the windscreens. "These men are a threat to civilisation as we know it," said a spokesman in a particularly gruff voice.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Latest Harry Potter Book Finished

Novelist J K Rowling has completed the latest installment in the Harry Potter series. Entitled "Harry Potter and the Neverending Pages," the book will weigh 20 Kg when released. Ms Rowling admitted that the weight of the book was important because it fitted in with "the philosophy of the work" and "the underlying exponentiality of the weight of the book was an important factor in that."

Ms Rowling took time to rubbish some of the rip-offs that have been appearing on the market since. Books such as "Carrie Motter and the Amazing Handbag," "Sally Slotter and the Mysterious Red Light," and "About a Boy" by Nick Hornby.

By 2010, Harry Potter books are expected to be registered planets in their own right.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Vlaams Blok wordt Vlaams Knuffelen.

Vlaams Blok, de extreem rechtse Belgische partij, heeft zichzelf opnieuw geformeerd, sinds een ban wegens rascistisch gedrag, eerder deze maand . Het heeft een nieuwe naam en een nieuw imago. De nieuwe naam reflecteert hun nieuwe zorgende imago. Vlaams Knuffelen. Weg zijn de vette mannen in oude pakken en kaalgeschoren jongeren, om te worden vervangen door de nieuwe mascotte Knuffel, de liefdesbeer.


Knuffel zal de eerstkomende 6 maanden touren door Belgie, om zoveel mogelijk van haar bewoners te knuffelen, ongeacht uit welk Vlaams sprekend deel van het land ze komen.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Vlaams Blok becomes Vlaams Cuddles

The Belgian Far-Right party, Vlaams Blok has reformed itself since its a ban earlier this month for being rascist. It has a new name and a new image. The new name reflects their new caring image: Vlaams Knuffelen (Flemish Cuddles). Gone are the fat men in old suits and shaven-headed youths, to be replaced by the new mascot Cuddles the Love Bear (Liefsbeer Knuffelen).


Cuddles will spend the next six months touring Belgium and cuddling as many of its inhabitants as possible, no matter what Flemish-speaking part of the country they are from.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

War on Terror Widens

The US government today widened it's hunt for terror organisations. "We're going after these guys. All of these guys," said a spokesman today in the bomb-proof press-room at the White House. "We're going after any organisation we can find who fits our profile of a terrorist. We're going to stop these would-be terrorist groups before they perform some act of terror." The government has issued an updated list of terror Groups. The new list includes:

Al Jazeera
Al Bania
Al Fabetagama
Al Bhundi
Al Jolson
and
Al Cohol

The spokesman refused to elucidate as to what the criteria was to select these new targets.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

No More Colours Left to be the New Black

Fashion experts were dismayed today when they realised that there are simply no more colours to be the new black. "We've done every colour imaginable," exclaimed Fashion Spokesman, Mr Fay van Tutu. "You name it. From Puce to Puke Green. From Soggy Grey to Deep Purple. Even horrid colours like Rhode-Island Red and Brown have had their chance to be the new Black. There are simply no more."

After a short moment of despair, the spokesman continued. "Even Black has been the new Black three times already. The first time it was Retro, the second Post-Modern. And after that we were just pushing our luck."

When asked if it really mattered, the spokesman tutted. "Of course it matters. Defining the new Black has been the cornerstone of the fashion industry for the last 25 years." After a few minutes of sobbing, another well-dressed young man rushed in and whispered something into the spokesman's ear which made him sit-up, smiling.

The spokesman declared the meeting over and added a post-script, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce, Black is the new Blue."

George Bush pledges to continue the search for Liquids of Mass Lubrication

George Bush has said at a Press-conference from Smallentown, Arizona, that now he has been "re-electified," he will continue his world-wide search for Liquids of Mass Lubrication. He said he would leave no stone "unturnicated" until all sources of such liquids had been turned over to the United States. He expressed "extreme displeasitude that some of these sources were not in the hands of our allies, and more importantly, not in the hands of my friends."

The Bush administration has done more than any other to track down more sources of Liquids of Mass Lubrication and other so-called Requirements of Mass Transit.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

New Government Afghanistan declares American Elections Valid

The new governments of Afghanistan has declared the elections in the United States of America, free and, for the most part, fair. "Yes there were some irregularities," admitted a spokesman, "but this is a deeply divided country which is still scarred by ongoing warfare."

Worlds First News Satire Site Opens

The world's first satirical news site opened it's metaphorical doors today to a hungry public. The site, currently hosted by MrPeterMore.com, named after a wealthy philanthropist, is set to start a trend. It is expected that in a few years the internet will be inundated with satirical websites. A spokesman for Microsoft has already gone on record stating that the computer giant has it's own plans for a satirical site to appear sometime in 2007.