Saturday, October 22, 2005

News in Brief

"Nostalgia - it ain't what it used to be," concludes survey of elderly.
Pupils' uprising hopes to make "History" a thing of the past.
English School-boy French becomes official dialect of Dordogne.

Monday, October 10, 2005

News Services Accused of Smut

News Services, such as Utter Newsense, have been accused of using images of beautiful women unnecessarily to bolster the appeal of weak stories.



picture of the type mentioned.







A spokeswoman for Utter Newsense Corp. said today, "the accusations are ludicrous. Utter Newsense is a serious News Service, like 'Cat News' or 'T&A In Your Face News Broadcasting'. We bring you the important news on the hour, celebrity news every 30 minutes and Anniek the Bikini Weathergirl on demand."



A woman who could be a spokeswoman if she hadn't chosen a modelling career.




Celebrities such as Lucy Liu,
Halle Berry,
and Cameron Diaz in the shower
are supposedly being used inappropriately it has been claimed. Yet here is a clear example where the pictures are justified, the story being about scantily clad celebrities. See Tomorrow's Utter Newsense for full up to the minute important stories on "Celebrity Bathing Tips."


Answer to yesterday's Nude Waytu:

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Picture News



"Chinese artist Zhan Wang makes complete London skyline out of pots, pans and glue.
Destruction promised by extreme cooks, al-Cantina."

Friday, October 07, 2005

Hobbit News Round-up

Only Gay Hobbit in the Village declares himself "Lord of the Rings."
Hobbit gone bad, Osodo Bilbo Ladens, calls for destruction of the Two Towers.
"Golum's Column" dropped from Hobbit News

Next Hobbit News to be published in Rivendeller format

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

To 5 Follow-up Campaigns "I amsterdam"

Following the success of the I amsterdam campaign, other cities and areas are coming up with their own similar schemes.
  1. Ich binnenstad
  2. Zij Wassenaar
  3. Utrecht
  4. Je Suisse
  5. Go Westminster, young man

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Political Round-up

Ultra Right-wing Think-tank hypothesises "Racism Caused by Black and Jew conspiracy."
Left-wing Think-tank Press-Release: immediate-demand: end-bringing to over-hyphenation
Centre-left intellectual becomes centre-right intellectual after mugging.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Hollywood Announces first 9/11 Films

Hollywood has announced plans to make the first batch of movies directly related to the events of September 11th 2001

Attacks! stars Bruce Willis as a disgraced former fireman who single-handedly fights off thousand of attacking suicide terrorists to save one of the twin towers.

Oliver Stone's Ground Zero follows the investigation team as it traces the plans to attack the towers right back to Osama Bin Laden's training days with the CIA.

Attakz! stars Governer Arnold Schwartzenegger as a disgraced former fireman from the future who goes back in time to single-handedly fight off thousand of attacking robot suicide terrorists to save one of the twin towers.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Dutch Premier



Jan Peter Balkenende tries to lose his "Harry Potter" Image.




Jan Peter Balkenende tries to lose his "Harry Potter" Image.





Jan... oh.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Science News

Scientists Prove Star Trek Marathon Better than Weekend of Sex with Partner.
Anthropologists Prove Scientists Should Get Out More.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Music News...

Rolling Stones Defy Science, Tour Again
Maria Carey Defies Public, Tours Again
Elvis Defies Fans, Remains Dead

Friday, August 12, 2005

Today's Chavoku

Music News in Brief

Boy Lost In Music Since 1976 Found at Earth, Wind and Fire Reunion Concert.
Requests for "Rock and Roll Will Live Forever" Tattoos at all-time Low, says Tattooist.
Pop Revisionists Remove Disco from Pop History Books.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

More science facts...

If a Butterfly was to flap its wings in Shanghai, it would cause a tsunami warning in British newspapers.
If every Chinese person was to lay end-to-end, it would be called art.
If intelligent life came down to Earth, it would be about time.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Today's No Waytu

News in brief

Minorities blamed for upsurge in racism.
"Politically Correct" proved oxymoron.
American scientists develop Dioxymoron: Hopes to be used in Belgian Millitary Intelligence.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Movies blamed for upsurge in violence on TV

Mark Schulster, executive at LCD Broadcasting Company, has claimed that the recent upsurge in violence on TV is directly linked to the current trend in violent movies. He said, "it's all too easy to claim it is a social problem, but we all know in our hearts it is linked to movies."

He cites "Mutant Death Cop IV" shown last night on LCD 1 at prime time. The violence in this show is directly related to movies such as "Mutant Death Cop II" and "Mutant Death Cop III: Badge of Blood. Both of which were aired last week on LCD 1."

Schulster lamented the fact that movies were no longer inteligent and story-driven as they used to be. He recalled a favourite movie of his, "Mutant Death Cop," which was about a tragically deformed police officer coming to terms with his own disability and zombie rapists from beyond the Earth. "In the present climate of 'violence, violence, violence' fostered by the movie industry, nobody wants to see this movie any more. In fact I saw it last night and the effects were awful and it cut away just before some of the most gory bits? How are we expected to enjoy that crap? Where was I?"

Schulster finished by stating that his channel, LCD 1, would be showing a series of classic movies to get back to what film-making is really about. The series includes such cinematic classics as "Blood Splattered Graves of the Zombie Killers," "Drill Boy and Axe-Hole go Apeshit," and "The Sound of Music II: The Nazis' Revenge."

[LCD 1 is a division of the Utter Newsense Corporation]

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Britain Suffering from Terror Alert Terror

Britons are facing a new terror, the terror of Terror Alerts. "People are terrified that at any moment there will be a Terror Alert. It's terrifying," Said Terror Analysist, Terry Wrost. "The terror people feel for Terror Alerts is more terrifying or terrorising than any of the terrors the terrorists have been terrificating. Quite frankly, I'm scared shitless."

Brian O'Bomman, a Terror Consultant from International Risk Assesments PLC, formerly The Actual IRA, told us, "Terrorists want to terrify the more terrifiable non-terrorist members of the public. They use terror tactics, performing terrible acts of terrifying terror to terrify the terrificious inhabitants of terra-firma. It's terrible."

A spokesman for the government said, "Aaaaaaaagghhhhh!!!"

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Today's No Waytu



Arrange the following letters in the grid above.

Ag, Al, Ar, As, At, Au, B, Ba, Be, Bh, Bi, Br, C, Ca, Cd, Cl, Co, Cr, Cs, Cu, Db, Ds, F, Fe, Fr, Ga, Ge, H, He, Hf, Hg, Hs, I, In, Ir, K, Kr, Li, Lr, Lu, Mg, Mn, Mo, Mt, N, Na, Nb, Ne, Ni, O, Os, P, Pb, Pd, Po, Pt, Ra, Rb, Re, Rf, Rg, Rh, Rn, Ru, S, Sb, Sc, Se, Sg, Si, Sn, Sr, Ta, Tc, Te, Ti, Tl, Uub, Uuh, Uuq, V, W, Xe, Y, Zn, Zr.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

No Waytu is Here!!!

No Waytu is the new Japanese puzzle to enthrall the nation, and here at Utter Newsense we don't just report the news as it happens, we try to cash every single fad that comes by. That's why we're happy to present our first ever No Waytu puzzle.



Instructions
1) In every horizontal column, you must fit in once, and once only, each number from 1 to 9.
2) In the vertical columns, you must enter numbers in one of the following series: Fibonacci, Bernoulli, Monk (each series is only used at most 3 times).
3) Diagonally, must appear letters from the work DIAGRAMATICALLY, rearranged to form new words.
4) Circular around the edges, must be (in reverse order, anti-clockwise), the Hebrew alphabet.
5) When complete, and read backwards, the puzzle will reveal the true name of The Dark One, Satan, our anti-lord and destroyer. When you have this, please call the Answerline to see if you have won today's top prise. Answerline: 0666 666 6666 (International rates apply).

(c) 2005 Utter Newsense Corp.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Live8 organisers promise to do more for the consciences of stars.

Live8, Sir Robbie Geldorf's follow up to 1985's Live5 [Check this!] promised to do more for the consciences of such stars as U2's Robbie O'Bon and The Police's Robbie Sting. Some of these stars are living in ethical squalor and near moral starvation.

Said Children's author and actress Robbie Madonna, "It's time for us stars to give something back to the community. I have a lot of money, and influence, so I'm going to give a few hours of my valueable time. Time I could be spending finding the next young producer for my new albums. Although, chances are, he might be at Live8 anyway."

Said Tantric guru, Robbie Sting, "I can have sex for 24 hours, so for a 30 minute performance with encore to sing that terrible song at the end, why that's like missing out on a wank. If you call me performing my own songs, 'missing out on a wank.'"

Expected Highlights of Live8:
Pink Floyd to reform and cover Scissor Sisters songs
Spice Girls to Reform and cover Pink Floyd songs
Freddie Mercury to return from dead (unconfirmed)
U2 to split and not pursue solo careers (hopefully)

Friday, June 17, 2005

Michael Jackson new album track listing released...

(I didn't) Touch the Kid
Molestation Accusation
Courtroom Thriller
Is this because I used to be Black?
I Beat the Rap
(Not Actually) Bad
Billy-Bob Was Not My Lover
The Boy with the Lollypop Head.
Lick It!

Sunday, June 05, 2005

New-style constitution proposed.

In the wake of international rejection of the European Constitution, EU Commission members are scrambling to find a new form of constitution that is acceptable to the common man and woman.

One approach being explored that is expected to be popular with certain demographics is the Big Brother System. This is where ALL countries in the European continent are automatically members of the EU. This includes those counties that are not stirctly in the EU, but somehow manage to get considered European. For example Israel, which is physically in the Middle East, but is elegable for the Eurovision Song Contest. Under the Big Brother System, every year there will be a referendum to see which country will be voted out of the union.

Also being considered is the "Jeaux Sans Fontieres" System (also known as It's a Knockout), where every year each country gets together, dresses up in giant representation of their country's national dress, and compete against each other in farcical obsticle courses. The winner is put in charge of the union and can make up as many rules as they like.

The final option, which is not likely to garner much support, is called Operation Takeover, and is where the American Constitution is adopted in it's entirety. This will give European Citizens the right to "bare arms in times of clement weather," and "totally, like, the freedom of, you know, like, speaking, or whatever."

Saturday, June 04, 2005

European Constitution Latest

Netherlands: Nee
France: Non
Germany: Nein
England: No

Europe - United at last!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Royalty News

Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands meets
Swiss Tony at Maastricht University.

"Running a University is very much like making love to a beautiful woman."

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Scientific Report Denies Friday 13th is Day of Bad Luck

Scientists at the Research Centre for Metaphysical Phenomenon claim to have proved categorically there is nothing unlucky about Friday 13th. Professor Chung Kwai Woo informed a select group of members of the press from his hosptial bed where he is recovering after a fall yesterday, which delayed the initial conference. Professor Chung explained that the conference was due to be taken by Professor Schmidt, but his car was knocked off the road by an over-taking sewage truck. And Professor Schmidt's assistant had to return home early after her skirt got caught in the elevator.

Professor Chang stated that thorough research had proven that statistcially and logically, there was no extra levels of bad luck associated with the 13th day of the month and certainly not when the date landed on a Friday. Professor Chang explained that the research would be available for viewing, as soon as the disk containing the data and finalised paper could be recovered after coffee was spilt onto the computer yesterday.

Professor Change went on to say that the research had shown that Saturday the 14th was just as **BIOS 113.4: Disk Corruption error. File Terminated**

Saturday, May 07, 2005

News in Briefs

Donald Rumsfeld denies having Dickensian name.
Condoleezza Rice admits name is an anagram. Refuses to say of what.
George Bush admits he is denying to admit to... what was the question, now?

Thursday, April 28, 2005

New Pope says, "I am more progressive and anyone who says otherwise will be burned as a heretic."

Papus dictatum versii rentum. Papus Germanicus Dirkus Benedictus, ateamicum sensai. Bono nono dono gogo. Discum Papum balti papadamarum, papa dono preecho.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Wordt Nederlands te 'infected' met English?

Scientists bij de Centre For Scientific Excelence, Utrecht, heben een statement gereleased dat zegt dat de Nederlandse taal veel geinfecteerd heeft becomt door Engels. Dit komt na jaren research over de influence van andere talen, especially Engels. "Dit research is heel important voor de future van de study van Nederlands," zei Proffessor Richard van Gooiphet, Chair Professor of Dutch Language Studies van de University of Language and Anthropology in The Hague.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Bono Denies he is to be New Pope

U2 frontman, Bono (real name Brian O'No) has denied that he has been approached to be the next pope. Bono was believed to have been approached because of his humanitarian work, and also to help promote the new album, "How to Dismantle a Pop Song." The band's guitarist The Edge (real name Theodore Edgerow) said, "it would be a great honour to have a pope, there, but I'm sure Bono has not got alot on his plate, there, with all his other work. My own vote would go for Bob Geldorf."

Bob Geldorf (real name Snoop O'Dogg) denies receiving The Edge's vote.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Idols Stars Develop Tsunami Early Warning System

3 former international Idols stars have developed an ingenious system to detect an approaching Tsunami. The system developed during time when they could have been making TV appearances is their contribution to world's Tsunami appeal. Lexus from Germany, Tristia from Belgium and Borek from Slovakia decided that rather than donating their time to such short-term efforts as benefit concerts and telethons, they would use this time to study geophysics, wave technology and macro-electronics and develop a long-term solution.

"Basically, we thought we could donate our time on television," said Lexus, "but how much is this time really worth? Surely it is better to devote our time to developing something worthwhile, rather than attending some lame concert of B-list celebrities."

The system is expected to be ready for use in July 2006 and will be launched during the (anticipated) Soap Stars for Somalia concert.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Linguists Prove Swearing IS Big AND Clever (Parental Guidance Advised)

Leading Scientists at the Central University for Linguistics (CUniLing) in the US have found after years of painstaking research that contrary to popular belief, swearing is not only big, but clever.

The research shows that swearing not only enhances your vocabulary but gives you more ways of expressing the same ideas. In a social-linguistic sense, the kind of swear-word you use can show which background or class strata you are from.

The research has shown that there are over 250 swear-words, swear-word forms and swearing-phrases in English alone.

"That's a shit-load," stated Professor Fuk Yu Kok, head of the Central Lingusistic Investigation Team who made the study. "This is damn exciting research. We've worked our hairy arses off but the results have been bloody-well worth it. They'll blow your fucking mind to kingdom-crap, they're so amazing. It's a real kick in the bollocks for the Linguistic Establishment, those bastards!"

Fuk's team hope to go on and prove that some of the world's most important documents would be better served re-written with more swearing. Documents such as The Magna Fucking Carta, the United Nations Ejaculation On Human Pissing Rights and The Constafuckingtution of the God-damn United Crapping States of America.

Noam Chomsky is not a gnome.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Secret Message found in The Da Vinci Code

After months of investigating, scholars are finally beginning to understand the secrets behind The Da Vinci Code. For some time, leading thinkers (and fellow authors) have been pondering its runaway success, without, er, success. Some have suggested ancient symbols referenced in the text gave it mystical powers, some have suggeested underground cults have been sending out mind-altering Ley-lines to our brains, someone even suggested damn good writing and clever plotting. All three have been ejected by experts as ludicrous.

The answer lies in a secret code hidden in the words missed by all of the experts and only found by an adoring fan, Mr Don Brawn. The code is found by taking the following letters from the following pages:
p 23 letter 35
p 53 letter 18
p 61 letter 97
p 142 letter 114
p 192 letter 13
p 205 letter 85

If you take these letters and re-arrange them, you get the secret message:


R E A D M E


The author of the work, Dan Brown, is thought to be the pseudonym of Bran Down, the shadowy author who created the new name using a clever substitution encryption technique developed by novelist Bill Shut. Bran Down is also thought to be the mind behind such thrillers as Vermeer Investigates, The Code of Honour Blackman and The Mystery of the Well-Researched References Hidden in the Bog-Standard Thriller.

"The Mystery of How Miss Terry Missed Erry," has never been written.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

New Oscars(R) a Rousing Success(tm)

The new Oscar(R) categories awarded this year have been declared a Rousing Success(tm) by the Motion Picture Academy(C).
The new categories received the required level applause, cheering and head-nodding to be declared the Rousing Success(tm) everyone had hoped they would be. Hollywood Insiders(R), Academy Nominators(tm) and People In The Know (patent pending) have all supplied sound-bites to confirm this.

Those new categories:

Most Tragic Hollywood Split(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).
Best Drama in a Real-Life Context(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).
Lifetime Achievement Award for Defying Hollywood Limitations on Relationship Length(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Gay Probe in 2007

EGALSA, the European Gay and Lesbian Space Agency has announced it has joined the Gay Space Race. In a packed press conference, EGALSA announced the building of their first space rocket, Spinaker 1 in Portsmouth, in the UK.

"Don't Laugh," said the spokesman, "but we want to probe Uranus. We want to be the first to put a man on Uranus. And, if the planet proves to have rings like Saturn, as we suspect, there will several more mission statements."

The European announcement comes years after China built it's first Gay Space Rocket in Shanghai. It has not yet been launched, but The Gay Peoples Administration for the Liberation of Space claim it will be any time soon, especially now there is competition. The ship is called Oriental Pearl TV (Transvexploration) 1.

Not to be out-done, the Americans have also joined the race. The San Francisco-based millitant Fags In Space have announced plans to "Like totally get out there and be pro-active and in-your-face out there in space." Designs for the rocket are so-far only available in ink and pastel.

Wubbo Ockels is The Netherlands first NASA Astronaut.


Portsmouth - Shanghai

Bush in Brataslava - Slovakian Soldier Speaks Out


"Hey, Cowboy! You come up to here on me."

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Lewd Rubbers denies sexual connotations in name.

UN executive Lewd Rubbers has denied that his name has sexual connotations. "It's nonsense," says the former Minister-President of the Netherlands. "My name is clean. There is no sexual connotations in my name."

Mr Rubbers was succeeded as Minister-President of the Netherlands by Rim Kok and later Jan-Peter Bighardstiffi.

Wubbo Ockels is The Netherlands first NASA Astronaut.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Pilgrims crushed at Shrine of Ikea

One of the holiest shrines in Western religion, the Ikea Temple in north London was the scene of a crush yesterday when thousands of worshippers rushed in to celebrate the Openning Day - one of the holiest days in the Ikea calendar. Ordinary people who were hoping to partake of holy 'bargains' and to marvel at the strangely-named holy artefacts. But the day turned into tragedy when the priests of Ikea failed to control the throng of eager pilgrims.

Ikea is often viewed as a cult by cynics in the East, who mock it's ritual of giving new and strange names to familiar items. There are over a hundred Ikea temples around the world with their distinct blue and yellow colour scheme. A spokesperson from the Central Church of Ikea, in Sweden, said today, "Bassicum Arthus Proenstik," which translated from the catalogue means "chair drawers wooden spoon."

Monday, February 14, 2005

Most Successful Valantine's Day Since Records Began

Shops, card manufacturers, restaraunts, and telephone companies have heralded this St Valentine's the most successful ever. Sales of CDs by ballardiers such as Michael Bolton and Celine Dion reached a peak during the middle of last week, and cards with slushy messages are selling better than ever before.

And it is not just a financial success.

Statistitions have reported that this year there was a 2.6% increase in the amount of love in the air and a staggering 4.8 drop in general cynicism and bitterness.

The only dark cloud was the statistics for couples who split up on the day itself which was 1.6% higher than last year. But overall, a great day to be happy and in a relationship.

Coming next, a sharp increase in suicides amongst webcam users.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Drum and Bass announce Split

It was a musical double-act we thought would always last, but last night the legendary musical double act of Drum and Bass announced to the world, they were splitting up. Music fans and colleagues throughout the world were stunned.

"It's shocking! Absolutely shocking!" said Rock of perennial double-act Rock'n'Roll, outside his luxury home in Tennessee.

The split brings to mind other memorable famous splits, such as that of Country and Western, Jazz and Swing, & House and Garage.

Even the legendary Rhythm and Blues split up before reforming as the lacklustre, R'n'B.

Rock is 63.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Headlines from Around the Globe

British Press find link between Paedophiles and Tsunami
Al-Quaida admits using Paedophiles in attempt to topple British Government
Texas to bring back Death Sentance for "Flagrant Homosexuality."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Hitler Film Causes Controversy

The new film about the last days of Hitler, Der Untergang, has been causing controversy all over Europe, and indeed the world. Many people are up in arms that Hitler is not shown as a monster of pure evil which gives the implication that actual human beings can be that cruel. Many Germans are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised. Many Austrians are unhappy that his German associations are not emphasised. Other Austrians are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised.

On the other side, The French are dismayed that it is not shown that he did all this without any help from French collabarators. The British are upset, because there is no reference made to Spike Milligan's part in his downfall. The Dutch are annoyed because it in no way attempts to answer the question of what happened to all their bikes.

The Americans are annoyed that no reference is made whatsoever to Hitler's links to al-Quaida and the Tsunami bomb they were jointly developing.

Hollywood is expected to remake the film next year as The Bunker, starring Jeremy Irons as Adolf Hitler and Leonardo Di'Caprio as the young American soldier who assassinates him.

The film is expected to address many of the concerns raised by different countries, except the French ones, and in fact Hitler's Islamic tendancies are to be emphasised particularly in the scenes where he and Osama Bin Laden Sr (Played by Ben Kingsley) work on their Tsunami bomb. Oscar nominations have already been issued.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Editorial: English Lose Last Sport they were Good At

The story is familiar. Englands invents a sport - or adopts a sport and claims it invented it - then dominates the world at it for many years only to lose it's pole position. The table is a sad list of former glory lost to emerging nations:

Football - Germany, Holland, Argentina, Brazil, Mexico
Cricket - South Africa, Australia, India, Pakistan, Kashmir.
Rugby - South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Tazmania
Tennis - see Atlas
Sumo Wrestling - Japan

Now, the last vestige of British Greatness and English sporting supremacy has been lost. A once noble and gentlemanly of sports has falled to the foreign foe. I refer, of course, to Darts.

No longer are the agile and graceful athletes of this King of Sports to be found as regulars of our great British centres of sporting excelence: The Bull and Bush, Peckham; the Riled Fishmonger, Portsmouth; and The Queen's Legs, Balham. No, now the champions (or should we say champignons?) of this sporet are more likely to hail from such arena's as De Stier en Bosje, Den Haag or The Dry Well, Kashmir.

For my money this is Great Britain's biggest sporting tragedy since Tiddly-Winks was lost to the French.

George Bush pledges to help victims of Tiramasu

American Preslident George Bush has pledged to do everything in his power to help victims of the recent Tiramasu disaster. "I myself have been a victim of dessert and snack related incidents, and feel a oneditude with the victims. I will give as much as it is in my power to give. Which is not as much as you think it would be." George Bush denies being a desserter from the army.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Editorial: "Is this the end of marriage as we know it?"

Er, no.

Millions Raised in Brad and Jen appeal

The public response to the tragic split of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston this weekend has been nothing short of amazing. Within hours of the split, ordinary people were on the phone, pledging to comfort one or the other of the couple.

"I just want to do what I can," said Julie, a secretary from Bradford. "It's so shocking. I never thought anything like this could happen. But now it has, I am prepared to give everything I have to comfort Brad in his hour of need."

"This is a global tragedy," explained Lärøs a student from Stockholm, Sweden. "It affects us all. Everyone of us knows someone who is in love with either Jennifer or Brad. I have friends who are in love with both. On a personal level, I want to let Jennifer know that I would like to do all I can to ease her pain and make her forget what has occured. If I could, I would set my house up as a kind of emergency centre where she could come and stay until... well, forever, really."

Already there is talk of a benefit concert and a charity record to raise cash for the couple to help pay for the plague of lawyers that always descends after a tragedy of this sort. Both Snoop Dogg and Christina Agualezza have already pledged their support and lesser artists have not even been asked becasue oof course they will do it. Elton John has already offered to get Bernie Taupin to rewrite Candle in the Wind yet again.

How the new version might look:

Goodbye Brad and Jen,
Though I never knew you at all,
I saw your faces all the time,
On every spare square of wall.

And I would have liked to love you,
But you were both just kids,
The candle burned out long before,
Your careers ever did.
Said a spokeswoman for Hollywood, "First the Twin Towers, then the tsunami and now this! Can there be no peace for us?"

Sunday, January 09, 2005

US, Britain declare war on Allah over Tsunami

The British government today announced it was joining the US-lead war on the force behind the Asian Tsunami disaster. "This is clearly an act of God," stated a Pentagon official, yesterday. "More specifically, an act of Allah."

Theologians have already begun protesting that in many ways there is no difference between God and Allah, it is all a matter of how we as humans interpret him (or her).

When pressed on the matter, the Pentagon merely repeated this could not be the case as "God is one of our guys," and that attempts to blame him in the UN, will be vetoed. He went on to point out that all Islamic Terrorists were by definition followers of Allah, and thus following this new disaster he could be held up as the true leader of all of these organisations.

"We will track him down, wherever he is. Which is everywhere, so it should be easy. In fact because of this, he is already listed as being a detainee of Guantanamo Bay."