Friday, January 14, 2005

Headlines from Around the Globe

British Press find link between Paedophiles and Tsunami
Al-Quaida admits using Paedophiles in attempt to topple British Government
Texas to bring back Death Sentance for "Flagrant Homosexuality."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Hitler Film Causes Controversy

The new film about the last days of Hitler, Der Untergang, has been causing controversy all over Europe, and indeed the world. Many people are up in arms that Hitler is not shown as a monster of pure evil which gives the implication that actual human beings can be that cruel. Many Germans are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised. Many Austrians are unhappy that his German associations are not emphasised. Other Austrians are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised.

On the other side, The French are dismayed that it is not shown that he did all this without any help from French collabarators. The British are upset, because there is no reference made to Spike Milligan's part in his downfall. The Dutch are annoyed because it in no way attempts to answer the question of what happened to all their bikes.

The Americans are annoyed that no reference is made whatsoever to Hitler's links to al-Quaida and the Tsunami bomb they were jointly developing.

Hollywood is expected to remake the film next year as The Bunker, starring Jeremy Irons as Adolf Hitler and Leonardo Di'Caprio as the young American soldier who assassinates him.

The film is expected to address many of the concerns raised by different countries, except the French ones, and in fact Hitler's Islamic tendancies are to be emphasised particularly in the scenes where he and Osama Bin Laden Sr (Played by Ben Kingsley) work on their Tsunami bomb. Oscar nominations have already been issued.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Editorial: English Lose Last Sport they were Good At

The story is familiar. Englands invents a sport - or adopts a sport and claims it invented it - then dominates the world at it for many years only to lose it's pole position. The table is a sad list of former glory lost to emerging nations:

Football - Germany, Holland, Argentina, Brazil, Mexico
Cricket - South Africa, Australia, India, Pakistan, Kashmir.
Rugby - South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Tazmania
Tennis - see Atlas
Sumo Wrestling - Japan

Now, the last vestige of British Greatness and English sporting supremacy has been lost. A once noble and gentlemanly of sports has falled to the foreign foe. I refer, of course, to Darts.

No longer are the agile and graceful athletes of this King of Sports to be found as regulars of our great British centres of sporting excelence: The Bull and Bush, Peckham; the Riled Fishmonger, Portsmouth; and The Queen's Legs, Balham. No, now the champions (or should we say champignons?) of this sporet are more likely to hail from such arena's as De Stier en Bosje, Den Haag or The Dry Well, Kashmir.

For my money this is Great Britain's biggest sporting tragedy since Tiddly-Winks was lost to the French.

George Bush pledges to help victims of Tiramasu

American Preslident George Bush has pledged to do everything in his power to help victims of the recent Tiramasu disaster. "I myself have been a victim of dessert and snack related incidents, and feel a oneditude with the victims. I will give as much as it is in my power to give. Which is not as much as you think it would be." George Bush denies being a desserter from the army.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Editorial: "Is this the end of marriage as we know it?"

Er, no.

Millions Raised in Brad and Jen appeal

The public response to the tragic split of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston this weekend has been nothing short of amazing. Within hours of the split, ordinary people were on the phone, pledging to comfort one or the other of the couple.

"I just want to do what I can," said Julie, a secretary from Bradford. "It's so shocking. I never thought anything like this could happen. But now it has, I am prepared to give everything I have to comfort Brad in his hour of need."

"This is a global tragedy," explained Lärøs a student from Stockholm, Sweden. "It affects us all. Everyone of us knows someone who is in love with either Jennifer or Brad. I have friends who are in love with both. On a personal level, I want to let Jennifer know that I would like to do all I can to ease her pain and make her forget what has occured. If I could, I would set my house up as a kind of emergency centre where she could come and stay until... well, forever, really."

Already there is talk of a benefit concert and a charity record to raise cash for the couple to help pay for the plague of lawyers that always descends after a tragedy of this sort. Both Snoop Dogg and Christina Agualezza have already pledged their support and lesser artists have not even been asked becasue oof course they will do it. Elton John has already offered to get Bernie Taupin to rewrite Candle in the Wind yet again.

How the new version might look:

Goodbye Brad and Jen,
Though I never knew you at all,
I saw your faces all the time,
On every spare square of wall.

And I would have liked to love you,
But you were both just kids,
The candle burned out long before,
Your careers ever did.
Said a spokeswoman for Hollywood, "First the Twin Towers, then the tsunami and now this! Can there be no peace for us?"

Sunday, January 09, 2005

US, Britain declare war on Allah over Tsunami

The British government today announced it was joining the US-lead war on the force behind the Asian Tsunami disaster. "This is clearly an act of God," stated a Pentagon official, yesterday. "More specifically, an act of Allah."

Theologians have already begun protesting that in many ways there is no difference between God and Allah, it is all a matter of how we as humans interpret him (or her).

When pressed on the matter, the Pentagon merely repeated this could not be the case as "God is one of our guys," and that attempts to blame him in the UN, will be vetoed. He went on to point out that all Islamic Terrorists were by definition followers of Allah, and thus following this new disaster he could be held up as the true leader of all of these organisations.

"We will track him down, wherever he is. Which is everywhere, so it should be easy. In fact because of this, he is already listed as being a detainee of Guantanamo Bay."