Millions Raised in Brad and Jen appeal

The public response to the tragic split of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston this weekend has been nothing short of amazing. Within hours of the split, ordinary people were on the phone, pledging to comfort one or the other of the couple.

"I just want to do what I can," said Julie, a secretary from Bradford. "It's so shocking. I never thought anything like this could happen. But now it has, I am prepared to give everything I have to comfort Brad in his hour of need."

"This is a global tragedy," explained Lärøs a student from Stockholm, Sweden. "It affects us all. Everyone of us knows someone who is in love with either Jennifer or Brad. I have friends who are in love with both. On a personal level, I want to let Jennifer know that I would like to do all I can to ease her pain and make her forget what has occured. If I could, I would set my house up as a kind of emergency centre where she could come and stay until... well, forever, really."

Already there is talk of a benefit concert and a charity record to raise cash for the couple to help pay for the plague of lawyers that always descends after a tragedy of this sort. Both Snoop Dogg and Christina Agualezza have already pledged their support and lesser artists have not even been asked becasue oof course they will do it. Elton John has already offered to get Bernie Taupin to rewrite Candle in the Wind yet again.

How the new version might look:

Goodbye Brad and Jen,
Though I never knew you at all,
I saw your faces all the time,
On every spare square of wall.

And I would have liked to love you,
But you were both just kids,
The candle burned out long before,
Your careers ever did.
Said a spokeswoman for Hollywood, "First the Twin Towers, then the tsunami and now this! Can there be no peace for us?"