Saturday, February 26, 2005

Gay Probe in 2007

EGALSA, the European Gay and Lesbian Space Agency has announced it has joined the Gay Space Race. In a packed press conference, EGALSA announced the building of their first space rocket, Spinaker 1 in Portsmouth, in the UK.

"Don't Laugh," said the spokesman, "but we want to probe Uranus. We want to be the first to put a man on Uranus. And, if the planet proves to have rings like Saturn, as we suspect, there will several more mission statements."

The European announcement comes years after China built it's first Gay Space Rocket in Shanghai. It has not yet been launched, but The Gay Peoples Administration for the Liberation of Space claim it will be any time soon, especially now there is competition. The ship is called Oriental Pearl TV (Transvexploration) 1.

Not to be out-done, the Americans have also joined the race. The San Francisco-based millitant Fags In Space have announced plans to "Like totally get out there and be pro-active and in-your-face out there in space." Designs for the rocket are so-far only available in ink and pastel.

Wubbo Ockels is The Netherlands first NASA Astronaut.

Portsmouth - Shanghai

Bush in Brataslava - Slovakian Soldier Speaks Out

"Hey, Cowboy! You come up to here on me."

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Lewd Rubbers denies sexual connotations in name.

UN executive Lewd Rubbers has denied that his name has sexual connotations. "It's nonsense," says the former Minister-President of the Netherlands. "My name is clean. There is no sexual connotations in my name."

Mr Rubbers was succeeded as Minister-President of the Netherlands by Rim Kok and later Jan-Peter Bighardstiffi.

Wubbo Ockels is The Netherlands first NASA Astronaut.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Pilgrims crushed at Shrine of Ikea

One of the holiest shrines in Western religion, the Ikea Temple in north London was the scene of a crush yesterday when thousands of worshippers rushed in to celebrate the Openning Day - one of the holiest days in the Ikea calendar. Ordinary people who were hoping to partake of holy 'bargains' and to marvel at the strangely-named holy artefacts. But the day turned into tragedy when the priests of Ikea failed to control the throng of eager pilgrims.

Ikea is often viewed as a cult by cynics in the East, who mock it's ritual of giving new and strange names to familiar items. There are over a hundred Ikea temples around the world with their distinct blue and yellow colour scheme. A spokesperson from the Central Church of Ikea, in Sweden, said today, "Bassicum Arthus Proenstik," which translated from the catalogue means "chair drawers wooden spoon."

Monday, February 14, 2005

Most Successful Valantine's Day Since Records Began

Shops, card manufacturers, restaraunts, and telephone companies have heralded this St Valentine's the most successful ever. Sales of CDs by ballardiers such as Michael Bolton and Celine Dion reached a peak during the middle of last week, and cards with slushy messages are selling better than ever before.

And it is not just a financial success.

Statistitions have reported that this year there was a 2.6% increase in the amount of love in the air and a staggering 4.8 drop in general cynicism and bitterness.

The only dark cloud was the statistics for couples who split up on the day itself which was 1.6% higher than last year. But overall, a great day to be happy and in a relationship.

Coming next, a sharp increase in suicides amongst webcam users.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Drum and Bass announce Split

It was a musical double-act we thought would always last, but last night the legendary musical double act of Drum and Bass announced to the world, they were splitting up. Music fans and colleagues throughout the world were stunned.

"It's shocking! Absolutely shocking!" said Rock of perennial double-act Rock'n'Roll, outside his luxury home in Tennessee.

The split brings to mind other memorable famous splits, such as that of Country and Western, Jazz and Swing, & House and Garage.

Even the legendary Rhythm and Blues split up before reforming as the lacklustre, R'n'B.

Rock is 63.