Pilgrims crushed at Shrine of Ikea

One of the holiest shrines in Western religion, the Ikea Temple in north London was the scene of a crush yesterday when thousands of worshippers rushed in to celebrate the Openning Day - one of the holiest days in the Ikea calendar. Ordinary people who were hoping to partake of holy 'bargains' and to marvel at the strangely-named holy artefacts. But the day turned into tragedy when the priests of Ikea failed to control the throng of eager pilgrims.

Ikea is often viewed as a cult by cynics in the East, who mock it's ritual of giving new and strange names to familiar items. There are over a hundred Ikea temples around the world with their distinct blue and yellow colour scheme. A spokesperson from the Central Church of Ikea, in Sweden, said today, "Bassicum Arthus Proenstik," which translated from the catalogue means "chair drawers wooden spoon."