Saturday, March 05, 2005

Linguists Prove Swearing IS Big AND Clever (Parental Guidance Advised)

Leading Scientists at the Central University for Linguistics (CUniLing) in the US have found after years of painstaking research that contrary to popular belief, swearing is not only big, but clever.

The research shows that swearing not only enhances your vocabulary but gives you more ways of expressing the same ideas. In a social-linguistic sense, the kind of swear-word you use can show which background or class strata you are from.

The research has shown that there are over 250 swear-words, swear-word forms and swearing-phrases in English alone.

"That's a shit-load," stated Professor Fuk Yu Kok, head of the Central Lingusistic Investigation Team who made the study. "This is damn exciting research. We've worked our hairy arses off but the results have been bloody-well worth it. They'll blow your fucking mind to kingdom-crap, they're so amazing. It's a real kick in the bollocks for the Linguistic Establishment, those bastards!"

Fuk's team hope to go on and prove that some of the world's most important documents would be better served re-written with more swearing. Documents such as The Magna Fucking Carta, the United Nations Ejaculation On Human Pissing Rights and The Constafuckingtution of the God-damn United Crapping States of America.

Noam Chomsky is not a gnome.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Secret Message found in The Da Vinci Code

After months of investigating, scholars are finally beginning to understand the secrets behind The Da Vinci Code. For some time, leading thinkers (and fellow authors) have been pondering its runaway success, without, er, success. Some have suggested ancient symbols referenced in the text gave it mystical powers, some have suggeested underground cults have been sending out mind-altering Ley-lines to our brains, someone even suggested damn good writing and clever plotting. All three have been ejected by experts as ludicrous.

The answer lies in a secret code hidden in the words missed by all of the experts and only found by an adoring fan, Mr Don Brawn. The code is found by taking the following letters from the following pages:
p 23 letter 35
p 53 letter 18
p 61 letter 97
p 142 letter 114
p 192 letter 13
p 205 letter 85

If you take these letters and re-arrange them, you get the secret message:


R E A D M E


The author of the work, Dan Brown, is thought to be the pseudonym of Bran Down, the shadowy author who created the new name using a clever substitution encryption technique developed by novelist Bill Shut. Bran Down is also thought to be the mind behind such thrillers as Vermeer Investigates, The Code of Honour Blackman and The Mystery of the Well-Researched References Hidden in the Bog-Standard Thriller.

"The Mystery of How Miss Terry Missed Erry," has never been written.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

New Oscars(R) a Rousing Success(tm)

The new Oscar(R) categories awarded this year have been declared a Rousing Success(tm) by the Motion Picture Academy(C).
The new categories received the required level applause, cheering and head-nodding to be declared the Rousing Success(tm) everyone had hoped they would be. Hollywood Insiders(R), Academy Nominators(tm) and People In The Know (patent pending) have all supplied sound-bites to confirm this.

Those new categories:

Most Tragic Hollywood Split(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).
Best Drama in a Real-Life Context(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).
Lifetime Achievement Award for Defying Hollywood Limitations on Relationship Length(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).