Thursday, August 25, 2005

Science News

Scientists Prove Star Trek Marathon Better than Weekend of Sex with Partner.
Anthropologists Prove Scientists Should Get Out More.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Music News...

Rolling Stones Defy Science, Tour Again
Maria Carey Defies Public, Tours Again
Elvis Defies Fans, Remains Dead

Friday, August 12, 2005

Today's Chavoku

Music News in Brief

Boy Lost In Music Since 1976 Found at Earth, Wind and Fire Reunion Concert.
Requests for "Rock and Roll Will Live Forever" Tattoos at all-time Low, says Tattooist.
Pop Revisionists Remove Disco from Pop History Books.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

More science facts...

If a Butterfly was to flap its wings in Shanghai, it would cause a tsunami warning in British newspapers.
If every Chinese person was to lay end-to-end, it would be called art.
If intelligent life came down to Earth, it would be about time.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Today's No Waytu

News in brief

Minorities blamed for upsurge in racism.
"Politically Correct" proved oxymoron.
American scientists develop Dioxymoron: Hopes to be used in Belgian Millitary Intelligence.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Movies blamed for upsurge in violence on TV

Mark Schulster, executive at LCD Broadcasting Company, has claimed that the recent upsurge in violence on TV is directly linked to the current trend in violent movies. He said, "it's all too easy to claim it is a social problem, but we all know in our hearts it is linked to movies."

He cites "Mutant Death Cop IV" shown last night on LCD 1 at prime time. The violence in this show is directly related to movies such as "Mutant Death Cop II" and "Mutant Death Cop III: Badge of Blood. Both of which were aired last week on LCD 1."

Schulster lamented the fact that movies were no longer inteligent and story-driven as they used to be. He recalled a favourite movie of his, "Mutant Death Cop," which was about a tragically deformed police officer coming to terms with his own disability and zombie rapists from beyond the Earth. "In the present climate of 'violence, violence, violence' fostered by the movie industry, nobody wants to see this movie any more. In fact I saw it last night and the effects were awful and it cut away just before some of the most gory bits? How are we expected to enjoy that crap? Where was I?"

Schulster finished by stating that his channel, LCD 1, would be showing a series of classic movies to get back to what film-making is really about. The series includes such cinematic classics as "Blood Splattered Graves of the Zombie Killers," "Drill Boy and Axe-Hole go Apeshit," and "The Sound of Music II: The Nazis' Revenge."

[LCD 1 is a division of the Utter Newsense Corporation]

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Britain Suffering from Terror Alert Terror

Britons are facing a new terror, the terror of Terror Alerts. "People are terrified that at any moment there will be a Terror Alert. It's terrifying," Said Terror Analysist, Terry Wrost. "The terror people feel for Terror Alerts is more terrifying or terrorising than any of the terrors the terrorists have been terrificating. Quite frankly, I'm scared shitless."

Brian O'Bomman, a Terror Consultant from International Risk Assesments PLC, formerly The Actual IRA, told us, "Terrorists want to terrify the more terrifiable non-terrorist members of the public. They use terror tactics, performing terrible acts of terrifying terror to terrify the terrificious inhabitants of terra-firma. It's terrible."

A spokesman for the government said, "Aaaaaaaagghhhhh!!!"