Saturday, November 25, 2006

OJ Simpson may face death penalty for disrupting TV schedules.

OJ Simpson TV show publicising his new book, "How I Killed My Wife In The Perfect Conditional Tense" has had to be pulled due to pressure from the families of the people he would have killed in the way outlined in the book.

Instead, Simpson has issued a statement about how sales could have been entitled "If They Had Shown It."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

More World Trade Center Movies Promised

Following the initial success of the new movie "World Trade Center," a further batch of movies on the same subject has been announced. "Trouble in the Rubble" stars Jet Li and Nicolas Cage as under cover cops fighting Chinese gangsters in the collapsing buildings. "Los Torres Sexidas" is Pedro Almodóvar's exploration of the lives of a frustrated middle-aged woman and a young student trapped together in a shower. Meanwhile, "Snakes in a Collapsing Building," starring Samuel L. Jackson, asks the question, "what if, on September 11th, al-Qaida had not only launched planes into the twin towers, but also released a vast number of deadly snakes. It raises some important philosophical points and includes the soon-to-be classic line, "I'm as motherf***ing motherf***ed as a motherf***er."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The 12 Signs of the British Government.

Torius - The Bullshitter

Bleo - The Liar


Libra - The Closer of Libraries

Scoopio - The Journalist


Virgo - The House of Commons Researcher

Hot Airies - The Rambler


Chancellor - The Crab

Backbencher - The Scapegoat


Gemini - The Twin Faces

Plagiarius - The Archer


Aulovus - The Can Carriers

Pisces - The Fishy Smell

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Middle Eastern News

Israel announces their latest Hamas / Hezbolla recruitment drive a complete success.

Mel Gibson denies kidnapping Israeli soldiers.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Science to Save Mel Gibson’s Reputation

Scientists working for Mel Gibson have proved that drinking alcohol releases antisemitons into the bloodstream. And that these were the cause of his widely-reported tirade and not any deep-seated resentment or racism.
Antisemitons, a scientist who refused to be named explained, create feelings of antipathy towards members of the Hebrew community. The scientist explained that, in tests, mice force-fed alcohol also generated antisemitons and consequently emitted a stream of racist squeaks towards Jewish mice introduced at the other end of the cage.
“We have proved here that Mr Gibson was not responsible for what he said,” explained a spokesperson for Mel Gibson’s Science Research Centre.
When asked to speculate about the origin of antisemitons, the scientist muttered that they were probably “invented by Jews.”

Friday, July 28, 2006

Opinion Piece: It's not alright, Sun.

Every year, 60,000 people die from the effects of the sun. 60,000 people. These are not figures we have just made up. These are from the WHO. That is the World Health Organisation, the respected international organisation formed in 1948 that had hits with My Generation and Pinball Wizard. Regular readers of this news feed know well we have long distrusted this red / yellow menace that fills our sky for several months of the year. Worshipped by many, it has proven links to cancer, sunstroke, sunburn and dehydration. Even more damning, scientists have shown that the Sun keeps the entire Earth in its grasp by an invisible force. We are literally unable to escape from its deadly pull.
Here at Utter Newsense, we urge the governments of the world to stop fighting phoney enemies and fight the biggest menace the world has ever known: The Sun. If we all pull together it is entirely possible we could destroy this evil ball of fire. And then, free at last from the Grave-ity of this sinister star, the Earth can roam free around the universe doing good on every planet and asteroid it passes.
This could be the future, people, if we could only pull together and see the real menace behind our oldest nemesis, The Sun.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Eggrialites prepare for the coming of The Easter Bunny

In houses all over the world, followers of the Great Profit are eagerly awaiting the return of their Lord and Provider. It is said he descends every year from the planet Mars carrying a supply of goodies for all his followers in his little wicker basket.

The goodies he brings are made of the life-enriching produce of the cocoa plant, shaped by loving artisans in various religiously-designated factories around the world and usually filled with even more goodies, also made of life-affirming chocolate.

Wicker, Man.

Very little is known about the origin of The Easter Bunny. Some say he himself hatched from an chocolate egg laid in a nest made of chocolate, an event known as the Great Nest-Lay. Others say he was the most favoured of Jesus' pet rabbits in heaven who got so very lonely in the years Jesus was on Earth that when Jesus returned, at Easter, the happy bunny pledged to deliver chocolate to the good citizens of Earth every year on this date. Others say it was the Bunny and not Jesus who came to earth, where he spent 30 years preaching the word of the Holy Trinity - The Candy, The Cookie and The Hershey Confection - and then died for our plaque.

Wherever he came from, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Snickers in a Twix

There is, however, discord in Cocoa Heaven. In 2005, author Dan Brownie wrote a terrifying thriller based around speculation on the Easter Bunny bloodline. In it the Holy Chalice, known as the Easter Egg Cup that once contained the brown, syrupy blood of the original Easter Bunny, is protected by a sinister group of chocolatiers, The Fortnums and The Masons.

The book suggests that The Easter Bunny was actually married to Minnie Mousedeline and produced an heir. This bloodline, it claims, can be traced onwards even to this day, and continues to move in royal circles. Specifically it states Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York, contained much of the Easter line in her. Other famous supposed descendents include the actors Sir Bugsford Bunny and Lord Roger of Rabbitshire.

Whoever his descendants are, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Actress and Bishop Divorce

It was for years the relationship everyone was talking about. Or at least quoting. But today The Actress and The Bishop have announced the end of their affair. Said the Actress, "It was hard, but I knew what I had to do. I had to break it off. I didn't know I had it in me, but I did. It brought tears to my eyes because we both put so much into it. He used to fill me with such pleasure. But somehow it went in the wrong direction. I didn't handle it very well. It was rough, long and hard. And now he's behind me."

Said the Bishop, "I miss that Bitch."

Monday, March 27, 2006

“The Game” – “evil and manipulative” critics say.

Critics of current best-seller, “The Game” have been calling the book “evil and manipulative,” saying the book uses crude psychology to get people to do things against their wishes. Said a Spokesman for the Critics, "Men are being manipulated into buying this book through promises it of fulfilling their most heart-felt desires: that of bedding and being loved by numerous women.” The critics also go on to claim that once the book has been bought, it seduces men by letting them think it is interested in their welfare when really all it is interested in is selling more books. Said one man who had found himself buying a copy of the book, "I feel degraded. I have been treated as something less than human. This book seduced me with its appeals to my conscious desires. But instead of getting laid, I just ended up speaking to my friends in an incomprehensible code, wearing even more stupid clothes than ever before and actually talking for hours about being into astrology. What have I become?"

Other critics poo-pood the idea that this book was revealing anything new. "These books come out all the time. Every six months there is a new "method” of attracting women that becomes a fad for a while. Sure some of them seem to get girls for a while, but soon they start to go back to their old habits.” Said another critic, "We've seen it all before. We've had the "F-" Plan, The Wolfskin's Action and Waitress-Watchers. People try it, but six months later they’re onto the next 'Get Trim Quick' scheme.”

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Ancient Precursor to the "The Game" found.

Archaeologists in Central Europe have uncovered 2 million year-old cave paintings which they believe are an early form of current publishing sensation, "The Game." In "The Game," men are taught how to attract and bed women. The cave paintings are a pre-historic version of the same, claim scientists.

The series of drawings depict initially a group of male stick figures. In the second scene, one of them approaches a female stick figure. In the next picture, the man bludgeons the girl over the head with his club and, in the final image, drags her by her hair back to his cave.

American Lawyers are already searching to see if ancestors of these paintings can be found so they can file a lawsuit against the author of "The Game," Neil Strauss.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

easyCome: Latest addition to easyGrope.com

easyGrope.com, the umbrella group for such cost-cutting enterprises as easyPlane, easyTrain and easyAutomobile, have announced a new easyForay into the the world of sex toys. The new company, easyCome, was launched with the usual promises to undercut competitors by reducing unnecessary extras.


The company, easyCome.com has release a small initial product range but hopes to add more in the future. Stelios Havan-IOU the owner of easyGrope.com told reporters, "If you want cheap sexual pleasure, don't go to these other companies - British Appliance or Buzz - we are the best."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

More Religious Protests

Seven-Day Cheesiasticals call for ban on Mickey Mouse.
Church of Drawling Dogma says, "Droopy is offensive to us!"
Leading Bishop suggests, "Is Christ being depicted as Johnny Bravo?"

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

More Killed in Cartoon Protests

More protesters against the Danish cartoons have been killed attacking European embassies, the AMCE News Agency reported today.

In the first incident a hapless protester threw a circular bomb with the fuse lit into a second-storey window of the Norwegian embassy. The bomb rolled off a desk into a bin, which fell over, sending the ball rolling toward the stairs. The bomb bounced down every stair, landed on the lobby carpet and rolled out to the feet of the bomber. The man, a Mr Al Daffi, could not believe his eyes, described eye-witnesses, and looked at the bomb for a few seconds before being literally blown out of his skin.

In a second incident, a protester had set up an elaborate series of pulleys, springs, boulders and ostrich seeds which was supposed to send a grand piano crashing onto the German embassy. Unfortunately, as the man followed the stages of the contraption trigger one-by-one, he realised too late that the piano was not going to land on the embassy, but rather his own head. He was squashed flat and perfectly cylindrical.

In the final incident, seven protesters ran at the front door of the Greek embassy. At the last minute, the Greek consul opened the door and the protestors ran through the building and were unable to stop until they had run out the back door where they found themselves having run over the edge of a huge cavern that had mysteriously appeared behind the embassy. They looked at each other bewildered for a few seconds before plummeting downwards and disappearing in a tiny puff of distant smoke.

A spokesman for the protesters could only stamp on his hat and mutter “sufferin’ succotash! Awl git those varmints!”

Friday, January 27, 2006

Conspiracy Theorist cannot be sure his ideas were not “planted by others.”

Seth Rebber, Conspiracy Theorist, 42, has admitted he has some doubts about the origin of some of his theories. Seth is famous for his theories on how the government is out to get him (and others like him).

But recently he has admitted that these thoughts and the elaborate explanations he has come up with to show what the particular government agencies are trying to do to this end may not have been from himself. He cannot prove that these ideas are his own. He suspects that these ideas were put into his head by aliens trying to engender a revolution amongst humans.

Seth’s logic is that although the government is undoubtedly out to get him, how could he realise this given the highly efficient methods of the government’s secret spying agencies? Therefore, this information must have been planted there by some outside force.

When asked if it were possible these aliens had a peaceful intent, Seth shook his head. “No. They are clearly out to get me too.”

Seth Rebber has lived alone since he accused his cat of working for the CIA.