Friday, April 14, 2006

Eggrialites prepare for the coming of The Easter Bunny

In houses all over the world, followers of the Great Profit are eagerly awaiting the return of their Lord and Provider. It is said he descends every year from the planet Mars carrying a supply of goodies for all his followers in his little wicker basket.

The goodies he brings are made of the life-enriching produce of the cocoa plant, shaped by loving artisans in various religiously-designated factories around the world and usually filled with even more goodies, also made of life-affirming chocolate.

Wicker, Man.

Very little is known about the origin of The Easter Bunny. Some say he himself hatched from an chocolate egg laid in a nest made of chocolate, an event known as the Great Nest-Lay. Others say he was the most favoured of Jesus' pet rabbits in heaven who got so very lonely in the years Jesus was on Earth that when Jesus returned, at Easter, the happy bunny pledged to deliver chocolate to the good citizens of Earth every year on this date. Others say it was the Bunny and not Jesus who came to earth, where he spent 30 years preaching the word of the Holy Trinity - The Candy, The Cookie and The Hershey Confection - and then died for our plaque.

Wherever he came from, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Snickers in a Twix

There is, however, discord in Cocoa Heaven. In 2005, author Dan Brownie wrote a terrifying thriller based around speculation on the Easter Bunny bloodline. In it the Holy Chalice, known as the Easter Egg Cup that once contained the brown, syrupy blood of the original Easter Bunny, is protected by a sinister group of chocolatiers, The Fortnums and The Masons.

The book suggests that The Easter Bunny was actually married to Minnie Mousedeline and produced an heir. This bloodline, it claims, can be traced onwards even to this day, and continues to move in royal circles. Specifically it states Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York, contained much of the Easter line in her. Other famous supposed descendents include the actors Sir Bugsford Bunny and Lord Roger of Rabbitshire.

Whoever his descendants are, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Actress and Bishop Divorce

It was for years the relationship everyone was talking about. Or at least quoting. But today The Actress and The Bishop have announced the end of their affair. Said the Actress, "It was hard, but I knew what I had to do. I had to break it off. I didn't know I had it in me, but I did. It brought tears to my eyes because we both put so much into it. He used to fill me with such pleasure. But somehow it went in the wrong direction. I didn't handle it very well. It was rough, long and hard. And now he's behind me."

Said the Bishop, "I miss that Bitch."