Monday, July 31, 2006

Science to Save Mel Gibson’s Reputation

Scientists working for Mel Gibson have proved that drinking alcohol releases antisemitons into the bloodstream. And that these were the cause of his widely-reported tirade and not any deep-seated resentment or racism.
Antisemitons, a scientist who refused to be named explained, create feelings of antipathy towards members of the Hebrew community. The scientist explained that, in tests, mice force-fed alcohol also generated antisemitons and consequently emitted a stream of racist squeaks towards Jewish mice introduced at the other end of the cage.
“We have proved here that Mr Gibson was not responsible for what he said,” explained a spokesperson for Mel Gibson’s Science Research Centre.
When asked to speculate about the origin of antisemitons, the scientist muttered that they were probably “invented by Jews.”

Friday, July 28, 2006

Opinion Piece: It's not alright, Sun.

Every year, 60,000 people die from the effects of the sun. 60,000 people. These are not figures we have just made up. These are from the WHO. That is the World Health Organisation, the respected international organisation formed in 1948 that had hits with My Generation and Pinball Wizard. Regular readers of this news feed know well we have long distrusted this red / yellow menace that fills our sky for several months of the year. Worshipped by many, it has proven links to cancer, sunstroke, sunburn and dehydration. Even more damning, scientists have shown that the Sun keeps the entire Earth in its grasp by an invisible force. We are literally unable to escape from its deadly pull.
Here at Utter Newsense, we urge the governments of the world to stop fighting phoney enemies and fight the biggest menace the world has ever known: The Sun. If we all pull together it is entirely possible we could destroy this evil ball of fire. And then, free at last from the Grave-ity of this sinister star, the Earth can roam free around the universe doing good on every planet and asteroid it passes.
This could be the future, people, if we could only pull together and see the real menace behind our oldest nemesis, The Sun.