Thought piece: Countdown to Heston

Big news in the Netherlands recently was the escape and rampage of Bokito, gorilla resident at Blijdorp zoo. He leapt a wall, swam a moat and all but jumped on horse back to escape. Once out, he grabbed a woman and dragged her around the zoo. He was soon caught and sympathy for the poor animal has been rising since it emerged the same woman used to come into the zoo very often and taunt the gorilla. As the zoo keepers pointed out this was a warning as otherwise she'd be in several pieces and her bones used for toys by the young gorillas. So far from putting Bokito down as some people have called for (including the woman herself), I hope that the woman is banned from every zoo, safari park and pet shop in the world. Not that she has much inclination to go now.

This morning, there was news that in Taiwan a 19-year-old orang-utan has also escaped. I don't want to be alarmist, but do I need to remind you that this is EXACTLY HOW THE PLANET OF THE APES STARTED! If we don't watch out, in a few years, the highest form of life on the planet could be Charlton Heston, currently president of the National Rifle Association.

Meanwhile for decades scientists have been teaching chimps sign language. Good God, People! How long before they start talking, sounding like Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter, and riding horses? And I honestly thought it would be the Triffids that got us.

Thought Piece: murderers

A brief study of murders, particularly those of celebrities, shows that many are carried out by “sad loners.” When is the government going to wake up to this alarming fact and do something about it? Utter Newsense, backed by our CEO, mysterious Australian publishing mogul, Shane Utterly, says the best way to halt this problem is clear. Prevention is the cure. We propose all people who cannot produce a list of more than three friends be locked up for our own safety. How long will we have to live amongst these people before one of them kills again?

Father Ted Sketch

TED: (puts phone down) The cheek of it?
DOUGAL: What's that there?
TED: The fellers there on Rugged Island, they've been going round telling everyone they're the real Craggy Island. And that they're the real us.
DOUGAL: Really?
TED: Yes. They're getting all the tourists that we should be getting there.
DOUGAL: Are you sure that's not true now, Ted?
TED: Yes, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Are you sure? Because I'm having doubts now. I mean I want to be sure I am who you say I am.
TED: Dougal. You are the real Dougal McGuire.
DOUGAL: Oh, right that's good there.
TED: I'm the real Father Ted Crilly.
DOUGAL: Ah, thank goodness.
TED: And one thing we can be sure of: Father Jack is still the Father Jack we always knew.
JACK: Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. TEA!!!!!