Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Movie News: The Beaver

Mel Gibson has a new movie.

Oh, my god, plenty of material there already. Go on.

It's called "The Beaver."

Okay, control yourself. Keep calm. Keep Calm.

It's about a man who can only communicate through a hand-puppet.

You mean he talks through his beaver?

Well you could say that, but...

Is it a sort of "Leathal Muppet?"

Sort of. It's also about a border-line crazy person who expresses themselves through objects. But this time it's a hand-puppet and not a hand-gun.

So, it's more like a movie rip off of Nina Conti's act.

I suppose so.

The one thing that bothers me is...

What's that?

What are they going to call the porn version?


Mel Gibson The Beaver ******* Jews!

The Beaver will be set free in 2011.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Return of the Jedi - original "down" ending revealed

George Lucas has revealed how his original ending for the blockbuster-smash-sequel The Return of the Jedi was much more of a downer than the commercially-fuelled film that was actually made. In the original ending, the Ewok civilisation was wiped out by a sexually transmitted disease introduced by Chewbacca. Also the ghost of the Emperor returns and used uses Force-powered Ghostbuster-style technology to suck up and capture the ghosts of Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Anekin Skywalker. In the new democratic galaxy, former royals are forced to work and Leia finds herself in Jabba the Hutt's old den - now a sleazy club - dancing for a living in a gold bikini. Most fans say they would have preferred this ending.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

World-Cup Statistics Table for you to fill in

Fumbled Saves
Dives in penalty area
Number of refereeing mistakes against
Number of refereeing mistakes for
Number of coaches since last world cup
Players sent home by current coach
Number of team mutinies during championship

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Prehistoric News: Pterodactyls Grounded by Ash Cloud

Dateline: 8th darkness, 3rd Moon, 65,000,000 BC

Giant mountain ash from place fireball struck ground stop pterodactyl fly. Beginning of end warn Diplodocus with placard. Is nothing to fear says Tyrannosaurus. What is this Wuthering in the Heights, demands Brontësaurus.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Teenager Locks Herself in Her Boat for Seven Months

It's every parent's nightmare. A screaming argument at the end of which your teenage child storms off, slams the cabin door and refuses to come on land for dinner for half a year. For one family, Mr and Mrs W of Afterperth, Australia, the nightmare happened after an argument over whether imperial or nautical miles were the best, in which their daughter screamed at them that she wished she had "never been seaborne."

The W's daughter not only stomped to her yacht, but took the step of having her yacht stomp off to sea. Tweeting via facelog that her parents "didn't understand," she stayed in her boat, for seven months.

When asked whether he thought her daughter would be lonely, Mr W replied, "She's a teenager. Of course she'll be lonely."

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

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Wednesday, January 06, 2010

UK destroyed by snow

Millions feared cold.
Paedophile snowmen warning.
House prices may drop.