Utter Newsense

James Cameron makes millions on people "just seeing what the fuss is about."

2010-01-30T09:20:00.002+01:00

French Scientists: "It's no surprise British scientists cannot find evidence for G-spot."

2010-01-29T01:34:00.001+01:00

Ishatar - new 3D movie sensation

2010-01-24T18:35:00.002+01:00

UK destroyed by snow

2010-01-06T21:11:00.002+01:00

Millions feared cold.
Paedophile snowmen warning.
House prices may drop.

BBC baffled by artists' refusal to censor song about censorship.

2009-12-17T16:09:00.002+01:00

The BBC today stood by their decision to ask the band The C***swingers to censor their latest single, "I don't give a fuck about the word, 'fuck,' gonna fucking say 'fuck' to you." The corporation had originally asked the band to drop the one offensive word from the song without realising it would have left the chorus as "----ity ---- ----, ----ity ---- ----, ----ity ---- ----, ---- ---- ----." A BBC spokesman has said the whole thing was "a bit of a b***s-up." The C***swingers are Kez Shitstorm, Kiz Twatbasher and Humphrey Twistleton-Harbream.

Michael Jackson Movie Said To Be Best Thing Since White, Sliced Bread That Used To Be Brown Bread

2009-10-16T01:16:00.002+02:00

Those Nobel Prizes in full

2009-10-09T12:01:00.000+02:00

Barack Obama wins the Peace Prize for dividing US so much, fighting remains within the country.
Whoopi Goldberg wins Prize for Linguistics for creating greater diversity in definitions for sexual crimes
NASA wins the original Alfred Nobel Prize for making dynamite that actually works on the moon.

Nasa reveals that operation "Space: 1999" is 10 years behind schedule

2009-10-09T11:38:00.002+02:00

Nasa tracks down Bin Laden to lunar hide-out

2009-10-09T11:07:00.001+02:00

Definition: "Making Whoopi" - sex between a consenting adult and the opposite

2009-10-09T10:52:00.004+02:00

Further new definitions from the latest edition of Goldberg's Dictionary of Criminal Sexual Acts include:
"Rape-rape" - the forcing of sexual acts onto another adult.
"Rape" - party game for teenagers.
"Date-rape" - a date where at least one party got what they were after.

George Bush & Dick Cheney Early Naval Career Picture

2009-10-09T10:29:00.003+02:00

Roman Polanski Arrested: Take the "Directors' Get Out of Jail Free Quiz."

2009-10-01T13:21:00.005+02:00

The arrest in Switzerland of cinematic genius Roman Polanski (for skipping bail after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with a 13 year old) has caused outrage for being a “prudish revenge against a great talent” who never abided by the rules. Here's your chance to say what other directors are talented enough to deserve a free pass for.

Do this quiz and pass it on to 20 friends or bad things will happen to people you know.

Headlines: Anger over healthcare reform causes increased heart-attacks

2009-09-15T15:23:00.002+02:00

Rally-goers warned to make sure they have health insurance before they go getting "all worked up."

17% of twitter updates are about facebook

2009-08-18T11:15:00.002+02:00

Grave next to Marilyn Monroe up for sale

2009-08-17T12:06:00.002+02:00

Necrophiliac with drill offers highest bid.

World Humour Organisation denies Swine Flu is a Hamdemic

2009-05-06T18:26:00.001+02:00

Utter Newsense: Air Force One WTC flyover declared most inappropriate photo opportunity since Gallipoli Memorial Mud Wrestling Match.

2009-04-29T09:59:00.000+02:00

This Weeks Special Offer: Japanese Schoolgirl Panty Swine Flu Face-masks

2009-04-28T10:47:00.003+02:00

Happy Joy Schoolgirl Underthing Concern is proud to present for the discerning gentleman a protective device for the wearing against harm from threat of Swine Flu. Crafted from the finest undergarments of hand-picked Nagasaki schoolgirls.

Now you too can have protection you need as well as indulging in ancient sensuous practice from time before the time with complete justification and social respectableness. No shame and complete protection from flus of swine, avians, humans and Spaniards.

Plus now with new size for protection and sniffing pleasure of your dog, cat and pot-bellied pig. Happy Joy Schoolgirl Underthing Concern promises you hours of pleasure and safety.

ORDER NOW!!!!

Newsense Records re-release A-Boys First Album

2008-08-06T09:49:00.004+02:00

The A-Boys were one of the first and best-loved of the 1980s Boy Bands. They followed the trusted model of putting diverse people together into one room (or in this case, van) and making sure there was something for everybody. There was the brainy one, the good-looking one, the angry one and the crazy one. For a while they were the best-selling artists on Oldsense Records, going triple-platinum with their albums, "The A-Boys", "Van full of Lovin'" and "Love is a pileup (but nobody gets killed)".

Tracks from the First album:

1. Theme From The A-Boys.
2. Oh Won't You Please (Get on the Plane).
3. You're Crazy, Fool!
4. Drink Your Milk.
5. Gonna Make a Love Boat (Outta this Old Farm Equipment)
6. Bad Attitude.
7. I Love It (When a Plan Comes Together).

After the success, there was the inevitable split and solo careers. BA, became Grand Master T and tried his hand, unsuccessfully, at rapping, which was a shame as "You're Crazy, Fool!" and "Bad Attitude" showed he had a delicate soulful voice. Faceboy released only albums and 12" singles because his face looked too small on 7" singles; and when he refused to issue CDs, soon disappeared. Hannibal went on to become a German air ace and won the Iron Cross. And Murdock became a widely respected, if hard to work with, musician releasing many albums that nobody bought.

Next Week: The Spice Team and Take That Mysteries DVDs are finally released.

Answers to Banners from the cryptic crossword compilers strike

2008-07-17T12:46:00.001+02:00

1) Strike!
2) Work To Rule!
3) Down with Management!

Compiled by Aurirowawoiou.

Outrage at cartoon; Americans demonstrate, Middle-East calls for calm

2008-07-16T10:02:00.005+02:00

Israel celebrates 60 years of wanted to be wiped off the face of the Earth

2008-05-09T10:09:00.002+02:00

Lebanon launches 21 rocket salute
Syria sends special envoy in specially fitted car
Iran prepares a commemorative map of the area (Israel still not included)

Banners from the cryptic crossword compilers strike

2008-03-21T08:37:00.003+01:00

New Politically Corrected Spellings

2008-03-14T13:23:00.001+01:00

Lisp becomes Lithp
Dyslexia becomes D (or any other letter)
Homosexualilty becomes "Brokeback Mountaineering"
"Time Of The Month" becomes "The Days of Judgement"

New Oscar Categories Announced

2008-02-25T09:06:00.002+01:00

- Best Movie Written by Strike-Breaking Writers
- Best Dramatic Movie Starring a Comedian
- Highest Special-Effects to Story Ratio
- Best Foreign Actor Not Playing a Villain
- Most Justified Nudity