Thought piece: Countdown to Heston

Big news in the Netherlands recently was the escape and rampage of Bokito, gorilla resident at Blijdorp zoo. He leapt a wall, swam a moat and all but jumped on horse back to escape. Once out, he grabbed a woman and dragged her around the zoo. He was soon caught and sympathy for the poor animal has been rising since it emerged the same woman used to come into the zoo very often and taunt the gorilla. As the zoo keepers pointed out this was a warning as otherwise she'd be in several pieces and her bones used for toys by the young gorillas. So far from putting Bokito down as some people have called for (including the woman herself), I hope that the woman is banned from every zoo, safari park and pet shop in the world. Not that she has much inclination to go now.

This morning, there was news that in Taiwan a 19-year-old orang-utan has also escaped. I don't want to be alarmist, but do I need to remind you that this is EXACTLY HOW THE PLANET OF THE APES STARTED! If we don't watch out, in a few years, the highest form of life on the planet could be Charlton Heston, currently president of the National Rifle Association.

Meanwhile for decades scientists have been teaching chimps sign language. Good God, People! How long before they start talking, sounding like Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter, and riding horses? And I honestly thought it would be the Triffids that got us.

Thought Piece: murderers

A brief study of murders, particularly those of celebrities, shows that many are carried out by “sad loners.” When is the government going to wake up to this alarming fact and do something about it? Utter Newsense, backed by our CEO, mysterious Australian publishing mogul, Shane Utterly, says the best way to halt this problem is clear. Prevention is the cure. We propose all people who cannot produce a list of more than three friends be locked up for our own safety. How long will we have to live amongst these people before one of them kills again?

Opinion Piece: It's not alright, Sun.

Every year, 60,000 people die from the effects of the sun. 60,000 people. These are not figures we have just made up. These are from the WHO. That is the World Health Organisation, the respected international organisation formed in 1948 that had hits with My Generation and Pinball Wizard. Regular readers of this news feed know well we have long distrusted this red / yellow menace that fills our sky for several months of the year. Worshipped by many, it has proven links to cancer, sunstroke, sunburn and dehydration. Even more damning, scientists have shown that the Sun keeps the entire Earth in its grasp by an invisible force. We are literally unable to escape from its deadly pull.
Here at Utter Newsense, we urge the governments of the world to stop fighting phoney enemies and fight the biggest menace the world has ever known: The Sun. If we all pull together it is entirely possible we could destroy this evil ball of fire. And then, free at last from the Grave-ity of this sinister star, the Earth can roam free around the universe doing good on every planet and asteroid it passes.
This could be the future, people, if we could only pull together and see the real menace behind our oldest nemesis, The Sun.

Editorial: English Lose Last Sport they were Good At

The story is familiar. Englands invents a sport - or adopts a sport and claims it invented it - then dominates the world at it for many years only to lose it's pole position. The table is a sad list of former glory lost to emerging nations:

Football - Germany, Holland, Argentina, Brazil, Mexico
Cricket - South Africa, Australia, India, Pakistan, Kashmir.
Rugby - South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Tazmania
Tennis - see Atlas
Sumo Wrestling - Japan

Now, the last vestige of British Greatness and English sporting supremacy has been lost. A once noble and gentlemanly of sports has falled to the foreign foe. I refer, of course, to Darts.

No longer are the agile and graceful athletes of this King of Sports to be found as regulars of our great British centres of sporting excelence: The Bull and Bush, Peckham; the Riled Fishmonger, Portsmouth; and The Queen's Legs, Balham. No, now the champions (or should we say champignons?) of this sporet are more likely to hail from such arena's as De Stier en Bosje, Den Haag or The Dry Well, Kashmir.

For my money this is Great Britain's biggest sporting tragedy since Tiddly-Winks was lost to the French.

Editorial: "Is this the end of marriage as we know it?"

Er, no.