The Latest Independent Internet News. [A division of UttCorp]

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Roman Polanski Arrested: Take the "Directors' Get Out of Jail Free Quiz."

The arrest in Switzerland of cinematic genius Roman Polanski (for skipping bail after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with a 13 year old) has caused outrage for being a “prudish revenge against a great talent” who never abided by the rules. Here's your chance to say what other directors are talented enough to deserve a free pass for.

Do this quiz and pass it on to 20 friends or bad things will happen to people you know.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

More Killed in Cartoon Protests

More protesters against the Danish cartoons have been killed attacking European embassies, the AMCE News Agency reported today.

In the first incident a hapless protester threw a circular bomb with the fuse lit into a second-storey window of the Norwegian embassy. The bomb rolled off a desk into a bin, which fell over, sending the ball rolling toward the stairs. The bomb bounced down every stair, landed on the lobby carpet and rolled out to the feet of the bomber. The man, a Mr Al Daffi, could not believe his eyes, described eye-witnesses, and looked at the bomb for a few seconds before being literally blown out of his skin.

In a second incident, a protester had set up an elaborate series of pulleys, springs, boulders and ostrich seeds which was supposed to send a grand piano crashing onto the German embassy. Unfortunately, as the man followed the stages of the contraption trigger one-by-one, he realised too late that the piano was not going to land on the embassy, but rather his own head. He was squashed flat and perfectly cylindrical.

In the final incident, seven protesters ran at the front door of the Greek embassy. At the last minute, the Greek consul opened the door and the protestors ran through the building and were unable to stop until they had run out the back door where they found themselves having run over the edge of a huge cavern that had mysteriously appeared behind the embassy. They looked at each other bewildered for a few seconds before plummeting downwards and disappearing in a tiny puff of distant smoke.

A spokesman for the protesters could only stamp on his hat and mutter “sufferin’ succotash! Awl git those varmints!”

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Sunday, June 05, 2005

New-style constitution proposed.

In the wake of international rejection of the European Constitution, EU Commission members are scrambling to find a new form of constitution that is acceptable to the common man and woman.

One approach being explored that is expected to be popular with certain demographics is the Big Brother System. This is where ALL countries in the European continent are automatically members of the EU. This includes those counties that are not stirctly in the EU, but somehow manage to get considered European. For example Israel, which is physically in the Middle East, but is elegable for the Eurovision Song Contest. Under the Big Brother System, every year there will be a referendum to see which country will be voted out of the union.

Also being considered is the "Jeaux Sans Fontieres" System (also known as It's a Knockout), where every year each country gets together, dresses up in giant representation of their country's national dress, and compete against each other in farcical obsticle courses. The winner is put in charge of the union and can make up as many rules as they like.

The final option, which is not likely to garner much support, is called Operation Takeover, and is where the American Constitution is adopted in it's entirety. This will give European Citizens the right to "bare arms in times of clement weather," and "totally, like, the freedom of, you know, like, speaking, or whatever."

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Saturday, June 04, 2005

European Constitution Latest

Netherlands: Nee
France: Non
Germany: Nein
England: No

Europe - United at last!

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Saturday, February 26, 2005

Gay Probe in 2007

EGALSA, the European Gay and Lesbian Space Agency has announced it has joined the Gay Space Race. In a packed press conference, EGALSA announced the building of their first space rocket, Spinaker 1 in Portsmouth, in the UK.

"Don't Laugh," said the spokesman, "but we want to probe Uranus. We want to be the first to put a man on Uranus. And, if the planet proves to have rings like Saturn, as we suspect, there will several more mission statements."

The European announcement comes years after China built it's first Gay Space Rocket in Shanghai. It has not yet been launched, but The Gay Peoples Administration for the Liberation of Space claim it will be any time soon, especially now there is competition. The ship is called Oriental Pearl TV (Transvexploration) 1.

Not to be out-done, the Americans have also joined the race. The San Francisco-based millitant Fags In Space have announced plans to "Like totally get out there and be pro-active and in-your-face out there in space." Designs for the rocket are so-far only available in ink and pastel.

Wubbo Ockels is The Netherlands first NASA Astronaut.


Portsmouth - Shanghai

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