Those Nobel Prizes in full

Barack Obama wins the Peace Prize for dividing US so much, fighting remains within the country.
Whoopi Goldberg wins Prize for Linguistics for creating greater diversity in definitions for sexual crimes
NASA wins the original Alfred Nobel Prize for making dynamite that actually works on the moon.

Definition: "Making Whoopi" - sex between a consenting adult and the opposite

Further new definitions from the latest edition of Goldberg's Dictionary of Criminal Sexual Acts include:
"Rape-rape" - the forcing of sexual acts onto another adult.
"Rape" - party game for teenagers.
"Date-rape" - a date where at least one party got what they were after.

New Politically Corrected Spellings

Lisp becomes Lithp
Dyslexia becomes D (or any other letter)
Homosexualilty becomes "Brokeback Mountaineering"
"Time Of The Month" becomes "The Days of Judgement"

Dyslexics Sick of Being "But of Cheep Jokes"

News in Brief

"Nostalgia - it ain't what it used to be," concludes survey of elderly.
Pupils' uprising hopes to make "History" a thing of the past.
English School-boy French becomes official dialect of Dordogne.

Wordt Nederlands te 'infected' met English?

Scientists bij de Centre For Scientific Excelence, Utrecht, heben een statement gereleased dat zegt dat de Nederlandse taal veel geinfecteerd heeft becomt door Engels. Dit komt na jaren research over de influence van andere talen, especially Engels. "Dit research is heel important voor de future van de study van Nederlands," zei Proffessor Richard van Gooiphet, Chair Professor of Dutch Language Studies van de University of Language and Anthropology in The Hague.

Linguists Prove Swearing IS Big AND Clever (Parental Guidance Advised)

Leading Scientists at the Central University for Linguistics (CUniLing) in the US have found after years of painstaking research that contrary to popular belief, swearing is not only big, but clever.

The research shows that swearing not only enhances your vocabulary but gives you more ways of expressing the same ideas. In a social-linguistic sense, the kind of swear-word you use can show which background or class strata you are from.

The research has shown that there are over 250 swear-words, swear-word forms and swearing-phrases in English alone.

"That's a shit-load," stated Professor Fuk Yu Kok, head of the Central Lingusistic Investigation Team who made the study. "This is damn exciting research. We've worked our hairy arses off but the results have been bloody-well worth it. They'll blow your fucking mind to kingdom-crap, they're so amazing. It's a real kick in the bollocks for the Linguistic Establishment, those bastards!"

Fuk's team hope to go on and prove that some of the world's most important documents would be better served re-written with more swearing. Documents such as The Magna Fucking Carta, the United Nations Ejaculation On Human Pissing Rights and The Constafuckingtution of the God-damn United Crapping States of America.

Noam Chomsky is not a gnome.