New Oscar Categories Announced

- Best Movie Written by Strike-Breaking Writers
- Best Dramatic Movie Starring a Comedian
- Highest Special-Effects to Story Ratio
- Best Foreign Actor Not Playing a Villain
- Most Justified Nudity

Thought piece: Countdown to Heston

Big news in the Netherlands recently was the escape and rampage of Bokito, gorilla resident at Blijdorp zoo. He leapt a wall, swam a moat and all but jumped on horse back to escape. Once out, he grabbed a woman and dragged her around the zoo. He was soon caught and sympathy for the poor animal has been rising since it emerged the same woman used to come into the zoo very often and taunt the gorilla. As the zoo keepers pointed out this was a warning as otherwise she'd be in several pieces and her bones used for toys by the young gorillas. So far from putting Bokito down as some people have called for (including the woman herself), I hope that the woman is banned from every zoo, safari park and pet shop in the world. Not that she has much inclination to go now.

This morning, there was news that in Taiwan a 19-year-old orang-utan has also escaped. I don't want to be alarmist, but do I need to remind you that this is EXACTLY HOW THE PLANET OF THE APES STARTED! If we don't watch out, in a few years, the highest form of life on the planet could be Charlton Heston, currently president of the National Rifle Association.

Meanwhile for decades scientists have been teaching chimps sign language. Good God, People! How long before they start talking, sounding like Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter, and riding horses? And I honestly thought it would be the Triffids that got us.

More World Trade Center Movies Promised

Following the initial success of the new movie "World Trade Center," a further batch of movies on the same subject has been announced. "Trouble in the Rubble" stars Jet Li and Nicolas Cage as under cover cops fighting Chinese gangsters in the collapsing buildings. "Los Torres Sexidas" is Pedro Almodóvar's exploration of the lives of a frustrated middle-aged woman and a young student trapped together in a shower. Meanwhile, "Snakes in a Collapsing Building," starring Samuel L. Jackson, asks the question, "what if, on September 11th, al-Qaida had not only launched planes into the twin towers, but also released a vast number of deadly snakes. It raises some important philosophical points and includes the soon-to-be classic line, "I'm as motherf***ing motherf***ed as a motherf***er."

Science to Save Mel Gibson’s Reputation

Scientists working for Mel Gibson have proved that drinking alcohol releases antisemitons into the bloodstream. And that these were the cause of his widely-reported tirade and not any deep-seated resentment or racism.
Antisemitons, a scientist who refused to be named explained, create feelings of antipathy towards members of the Hebrew community. The scientist explained that, in tests, mice force-fed alcohol also generated antisemitons and consequently emitted a stream of racist squeaks towards Jewish mice introduced at the other end of the cage.
“We have proved here that Mr Gibson was not responsible for what he said,” explained a spokesperson for Mel Gibson’s Science Research Centre.
When asked to speculate about the origin of antisemitons, the scientist muttered that they were probably “invented by Jews.”

Hobbit News Round-up

Only Gay Hobbit in the Village declares himself "Lord of the Rings."
Hobbit gone bad, Osodo Bilbo Ladens, calls for destruction of the Two Towers.
"Golum's Column" dropped from Hobbit News

Next Hobbit News to be published in Rivendeller format

Hollywood Announces first 9/11 Films

Hollywood has announced plans to make the first batch of movies directly related to the events of September 11th 2001

Attacks! stars Bruce Willis as a disgraced former fireman who single-handedly fights off thousand of attacking suicide terrorists to save one of the twin towers.

Oliver Stone's Ground Zero follows the investigation team as it traces the plans to attack the towers right back to Osama Bin Laden's training days with the CIA.

Attakz! stars Governer Arnold Schwartzenegger as a disgraced former fireman from the future who goes back in time to single-handedly fight off thousand of attacking robot suicide terrorists to save one of the twin towers.

Movies blamed for upsurge in violence on TV

Mark Schulster, executive at LCD Broadcasting Company, has claimed that the recent upsurge in violence on TV is directly linked to the current trend in violent movies. He said, "it's all too easy to claim it is a social problem, but we all know in our hearts it is linked to movies."

He cites "Mutant Death Cop IV" shown last night on LCD 1 at prime time. The violence in this show is directly related to movies such as "Mutant Death Cop II" and "Mutant Death Cop III: Badge of Blood. Both of which were aired last week on LCD 1."

Schulster lamented the fact that movies were no longer inteligent and story-driven as they used to be. He recalled a favourite movie of his, "Mutant Death Cop," which was about a tragically deformed police officer coming to terms with his own disability and zombie rapists from beyond the Earth. "In the present climate of 'violence, violence, violence' fostered by the movie industry, nobody wants to see this movie any more. In fact I saw it last night and the effects were awful and it cut away just before some of the most gory bits? How are we expected to enjoy that crap? Where was I?"

Schulster finished by stating that his channel, LCD 1, would be showing a series of classic movies to get back to what film-making is really about. The series includes such cinematic classics as "Blood Splattered Graves of the Zombie Killers," "Drill Boy and Axe-Hole go Apeshit," and "The Sound of Music II: The Nazis' Revenge."

[LCD 1 is a division of the Utter Newsense Corporation]

Public Confused: Is new Star Wars film 3rd Prequel or 5th Sequel?

Darth Sith Yoda Vader Gonzo Wookies Han Luke Ewoks Solo Laia Floyd.

New Oscars(R) a Rousing Success(tm)

The new Oscar(R) categories awarded this year have been declared a Rousing Success(tm) by the Motion Picture Academy(C).
The new categories received the required level applause, cheering and head-nodding to be declared the Rousing Success(tm) everyone had hoped they would be. Hollywood Insiders(R), Academy Nominators(tm) and People In The Know (patent pending) have all supplied sound-bites to confirm this.

Those new categories:

Most Tragic Hollywood Split(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).
Best Drama in a Real-Life Context(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).
Lifetime Achievement Award for Defying Hollywood Limitations on Relationship Length(tm): Brad Pitt(R) and Jennifer Anniston(C).

Hitler Film Causes Controversy

The new film about the last days of Hitler, Der Untergang, has been causing controversy all over Europe, and indeed the world. Many people are up in arms that Hitler is not shown as a monster of pure evil which gives the implication that actual human beings can be that cruel. Many Germans are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised. Many Austrians are unhappy that his German associations are not emphasised. Other Austrians are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised.

On the other side, The French are dismayed that it is not shown that he did all this without any help from French collabarators. The British are upset, because there is no reference made to Spike Milligan's part in his downfall. The Dutch are annoyed because it in no way attempts to answer the question of what happened to all their bikes.

The Americans are annoyed that no reference is made whatsoever to Hitler's links to al-Quaida and the Tsunami bomb they were jointly developing.

Hollywood is expected to remake the film next year as The Bunker, starring Jeremy Irons as Adolf Hitler and Leonardo Di'Caprio as the young American soldier who assassinates him.

The film is expected to address many of the concerns raised by different countries, except the French ones, and in fact Hitler's Islamic tendancies are to be emphasised particularly in the scenes where he and Osama Bin Laden Sr (Played by Ben Kingsley) work on their Tsunami bomb. Oscar nominations have already been issued.

Millions Raised in Brad and Jen appeal

The public response to the tragic split of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston this weekend has been nothing short of amazing. Within hours of the split, ordinary people were on the phone, pledging to comfort one or the other of the couple.

"I just want to do what I can," said Julie, a secretary from Bradford. "It's so shocking. I never thought anything like this could happen. But now it has, I am prepared to give everything I have to comfort Brad in his hour of need."

"This is a global tragedy," explained Lärøs a student from Stockholm, Sweden. "It affects us all. Everyone of us knows someone who is in love with either Jennifer or Brad. I have friends who are in love with both. On a personal level, I want to let Jennifer know that I would like to do all I can to ease her pain and make her forget what has occured. If I could, I would set my house up as a kind of emergency centre where she could come and stay until... well, forever, really."

Already there is talk of a benefit concert and a charity record to raise cash for the couple to help pay for the plague of lawyers that always descends after a tragedy of this sort. Both Snoop Dogg and Christina Agualezza have already pledged their support and lesser artists have not even been asked becasue oof course they will do it. Elton John has already offered to get Bernie Taupin to rewrite Candle in the Wind yet again.

How the new version might look:

Goodbye Brad and Jen,
Though I never knew you at all,
I saw your faces all the time,
On every spare square of wall.

And I would have liked to love you,
But you were both just kids,
The candle burned out long before,
Your careers ever did.

Said a spokeswoman for Hollywood, "First the Twin Towers, then the tsunami and now this! Can there be no peace for us?"