Those Nobel Prizes in full

Barack Obama wins the Peace Prize for dividing US so much, fighting remains within the country.
Whoopi Goldberg wins Prize for Linguistics for creating greater diversity in definitions for sexual crimes
NASA wins the original Alfred Nobel Prize for making dynamite that actually works on the moon.

George Bush & Dick Cheney Early Naval Career Picture

Headlines: Anger over healthcare reform causes increased heart-attacks

Rally-goers warned to make sure they have health insurance before they go getting "all worked up."

Answers to Banners from the cryptic crossword compilers strike

1) Strike!
2) Work To Rule!
3) Down with Management!

Compiled by Aurirowawoiou.

Outrage at cartoon; Americans demonstrate, Middle-East calls for calm

The 12 Signs of the British Government.

Torius - The Bullshitter

Bleo - The Liar

Libra - The Closer of Libraries

Scoopio - The Journalist

Virgo - The House of Commons Researcher

Hot Airies - The Rambler

Chancellor - The Crab

Backbencher - The Scapegoat

Gemini - The Twin Faces

Plagiarius - The Archer

Aulovus - The Can Carriers

Pisces - The Fishy Smell

Middle Eastern News

Israel announces their latest Hamas / Hezbolla recruitment drive a complete success.

Mel Gibson denies kidnapping Israeli soldiers.

From the Archives...

Leaked Pentagon Letter

Dutch Premier

Jan Peter Balkenende tries to lose his "Harry Potter" Image.




Jan Peter Balkenende tries to lose his "Harry Potter" Image.





Jan... oh.

New-style constitution proposed.

In the wake of international rejection of the European Constitution, EU Commission members are scrambling to find a new form of constitution that is acceptable to the common man and woman.

One approach being explored that is expected to be popular with certain demographics is the Big Brother System. This is where ALL countries in the European continent are automatically members of the EU. This includes those counties that are not stirctly in the EU, but somehow manage to get considered European. For example Israel, which is physically in the Middle East, but is elegable for the Eurovision Song Contest. Under the Big Brother System, every year there will be a referendum to see which country will be voted out of the union.

Also being considered is the "Jeaux Sans Fontieres" System (also known as It's a Knockout), where every year each country gets together, dresses up in giant representation of their country's national dress, and compete against each other in farcical obsticle courses. The winner is put in charge of the union and can make up as many rules as they like.

The final option, which is not likely to garner much support, is called Operation Takeover, and is where the American Constitution is adopted in it's entirety. This will give European Citizens the right to "bare arms in times of clement weather," and "totally, like, the freedom of, you know, like, speaking, or whatever."

European Constitution Latest

Netherlands: Nee
France: Non
Germany: Nein
England: No

Europe - United at last!

Egyptian Premier Denies he is Puppet of West, Demands Cookies

News in Briefs

Donald Rumsfeld denies having Dickensian name.
Condoleezza Rice admits name is an anagram. Refuses to say of what.
George Bush admits he is denying to admit to... what was the question, now?

Bush in Brataslava - Slovakian Soldier Speaks Out

"Hey, Cowboy! You come up to here on me."

George Bush pledges to help victims of Tiramasu

American Preslident George Bush has pledged to do everything in his power to help victims of the recent Tiramasu disaster. "I myself have been a victim of dessert and snack related incidents, and feel a oneditude with the victims. I will give as much as it is in my power to give. Which is not as much as you think it would be." George Bush denies being a desserter from the army.

US, Britain declare war on Allah over Tsunami

The British government today announced it was joining the US-lead war on the force behind the Asian Tsunami disaster. "This is clearly an act of God," stated a Pentagon official, yesterday. "More specifically, an act of Allah."

Theologians have already begun protesting that in many ways there is no difference between God and Allah, it is all a matter of how we as humans interpret him (or her).

When pressed on the matter, the Pentagon merely repeated this could not be the case as "God is one of our guys," and that attempts to blame him in the UN, will be vetoed. He went on to point out that all Islamic Terrorists were by definition followers of Allah, and thus following this new disaster he could be held up as the true leader of all of these organisations.

"We will track him down, wherever he is. Which is everywhere, so it should be easy. In fact because of this, he is already listed as being a detainee of Guantanamo Bay."

US to invade service station for charging too much for gas

The pentagon has announced America's intention to invade the Shaffer Good Custom Service Station in Prosiac, Montanna unless it starts charging less to US citizens.


Typical Service Station.

Diplomatic efforts are being made to prevent the invasion and the UN has offered to send in Price Inspectors. US Secretary for Defense, Insert Name, said that this was all "Time Wasting" and denounced Rob Shaffer, proprietor of the service station, as one of the most evil men known to man.

Also on this 'evil' list also includes Ernie Holt, pump attendant at the service station, and Seth Pinkerston who wipes the windscreens. "These men are a threat to civilisation as we know it," said a spokesman in a particularly gruff voice.

Vlaams Blok wordt Vlaams Knuffelen.

Vlaams Blok, de extreem rechtse Belgische partij, heeft zichzelf opnieuw geformeerd, sinds een ban wegens rascistisch gedrag, eerder deze maand . Het heeft een nieuwe naam en een nieuw imago. De nieuwe naam reflecteert hun nieuwe zorgende imago. Vlaams Knuffelen. Weg zijn de vette mannen in oude pakken en kaalgeschoren jongeren, om te worden vervangen door de nieuwe mascotte Knuffel, de liefdesbeer.

Knuffel zal de eerstkomende 6 maanden touren door Belgie, om zoveel mogelijk van haar bewoners te knuffelen, ongeacht uit welk Vlaams sprekend deel van het land ze komen.

Vlaams Blok becomes Vlaams Cuddles

The Belgian Far-Right party, Vlaams Blok has reformed itself since its a ban earlier this month for being rascist. It has a new name and a new image. The new name reflects their new caring image: Vlaams Knuffelen (Flemish Cuddles). Gone are the fat men in old suits and shaven-headed youths, to be replaced by the new mascot Cuddles the Love Bear (Liefsbeer Knuffelen).

Cuddles will spend the next six months touring Belgium and cuddling as many of its inhabitants as possible, no matter what Flemish-speaking part of the country they are from.

War on Terror Widens

The US government today widened it's hunt for terror organisations. "We're going after these guys. All of these guys," said a spokesman today in the bomb-proof press-room at the White House. "We're going after any organisation we can find who fits our profile of a terrorist. We're going to stop these would-be terrorist groups before they perform some act of terror." The government has issued an updated list of terror Groups. The new list includes:

Al Jazeera
Al Bania
Al Fabetagama
Al Bhundi
Al Jolson
and
Al Cohol

The spokesman refused to elucidate as to what the criteria was to select these new targets.

George Bush pledges to continue the search for Liquids of Mass Lubrication

George Bush has said at a Press-conference from Smallentown, Arizona, that now he has been "re-electified," he will continue his world-wide search for Liquids of Mass Lubrication. He said he would leave no stone "unturnicated" until all sources of such liquids had been turned over to the United States. He expressed "extreme displeasitude that some of these sources were not in the hands of our allies, and more importantly, not in the hands of my friends."

The Bush administration has done more than any other to track down more sources of Liquids of Mass Lubrication and other so-called Requirements of Mass Transit.

New Government Afghanistan declares American Elections Valid

The new governments of Afghanistan has declared the elections in the United States of America, free and, for the most part, fair. "Yes there were some irregularities," admitted a spokesman, "but this is a deeply divided country which is still scarred by ongoing warfare."