Outrage at cartoon; Americans demonstrate, Middle-East calls for calm

Eggrialites prepare for the coming of The Easter Bunny

In houses all over the world, followers of the Great Profit are eagerly awaiting the return of their Lord and Provider. It is said he descends every year from the planet Mars carrying a supply of goodies for all his followers in his little wicker basket.

The goodies he brings are made of the life-enriching produce of the cocoa plant, shaped by loving artisans in various religiously-designated factories around the world and usually filled with even more goodies, also made of life-affirming chocolate.

Wicker, Man.

Very little is known about the origin of The Easter Bunny. Some say he himself hatched from an chocolate egg laid in a nest made of chocolate, an event known as the Great Nest-Lay. Others say he was the most favoured of Jesus' pet rabbits in heaven who got so very lonely in the years Jesus was on Earth that when Jesus returned, at Easter, the happy bunny pledged to deliver chocolate to the good citizens of Earth every year on this date. Others say it was the Bunny and not Jesus who came to earth, where he spent 30 years preaching the word of the Holy Trinity - The Candy, The Cookie and The Hershey Confection - and then died for our plaque.

Wherever he came from, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Snickers in a Twix

There is, however, discord in Cocoa Heaven. In 2005, author Dan Brownie wrote a terrifying thriller based around speculation on the Easter Bunny bloodline. In it the Holy Chalice, known as the Easter Egg Cup that once contained the brown, syrupy blood of the original Easter Bunny, is protected by a sinister group of chocolatiers, The Fortnums and The Masons.

The book suggests that The Easter Bunny was actually married to Minnie Mousedeline and produced an heir. This bloodline, it claims, can be traced onwards even to this day, and continues to move in royal circles. Specifically it states Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York, contained much of the Easter line in her. Other famous supposed descendents include the actors Sir Bugsford Bunny and Lord Roger of Rabbitshire.

Whoever his descendants are, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Actress and Bishop Divorce

It was for years the relationship everyone was talking about. Or at least quoting. But today The Actress and The Bishop have announced the end of their affair. Said the Actress, "It was hard, but I knew what I had to do. I had to break it off. I didn't know I had it in me, but I did. It brought tears to my eyes because we both put so much into it. He used to fill me with such pleasure. But somehow it went in the wrong direction. I didn't handle it very well. It was rough, long and hard. And now he's behind me."

Said the Bishop, "I miss that Bitch."

Judas: I didn't realise what Jesus actually wanted was "juicy fried Tomata" not "crucified tomorrow."

Oops.

Danish Bacon Exports to Middle East at Lowest Level for Thirty Years.

Torino: Olympic Committee Quietly Drops New Sport of Skating Out Religious Figures in The Ice

More Religious Protests

Seven-Day Cheesiasticals call for ban on Mickey Mouse.
Church of Drawling Dogma says, "Droopy is offensive to us!"
Leading Bishop suggests, "Is Christ being depicted as Johnny Bravo?"

More Killed in Cartoon Protests

More protesters against the Danish cartoons have been killed attacking European embassies, the AMCE News Agency reported today.

In the first incident a hapless protester threw a circular bomb with the fuse lit into a second-storey window of the Norwegian embassy. The bomb rolled off a desk into a bin, which fell over, sending the ball rolling toward the stairs. The bomb bounced down every stair, landed on the lobby carpet and rolled out to the feet of the bomber. The man, a Mr Al Daffi, could not believe his eyes, described eye-witnesses, and looked at the bomb for a few seconds before being literally blown out of his skin.

In a second incident, a protester had set up an elaborate series of pulleys, springs, boulders and ostrich seeds which was supposed to send a grand piano crashing onto the German embassy. Unfortunately, as the man followed the stages of the contraption trigger one-by-one, he realised too late that the piano was not going to land on the embassy, but rather his own head. He was squashed flat and perfectly cylindrical.

In the final incident, seven protesters ran at the front door of the Greek embassy. At the last minute, the Greek consul opened the door and the protestors ran through the building and were unable to stop until they had run out the back door where they found themselves having run over the edge of a huge cavern that had mysteriously appeared behind the embassy. They looked at each other bewildered for a few seconds before plummeting downwards and disappearing in a tiny puff of distant smoke.

A spokesman for the protesters could only stamp on his hat and mutter “sufferin’ succotash! Awl git those varmints!”

Plans for Animated TV Series, “Crazie Koran Hour,” Quietly Shelved.

Haliburton contracted to provide "Flame Support Services" in Hell

Bush: "God is a oil-crazed, right-wing loon. But he's God, so what can you do?"

New Pope says, "I am more progressive and anyone who says otherwise will be burned as a heretic."

Papus dictatum versii rentum. Papus Germanicus Dirkus Benedictus, ateamicum sensai. Bono nono dono gogo. Discum Papum balti papadamarum, papa dono preecho.

Bono Denies he is to be New Pope

U2 frontman, Bono (real name Brian O'No) has denied that he has been approached to be the next pope. Bono was believed to have been approached because of his humanitarian work, and also to help promote the new album, "How to Dismantle a Pop Song." The band's guitarist The Edge (real name Theodore Edgerow) said, "it would be a great honour to have a pope, there, but I'm sure Bono has not got alot on his plate, there, with all his other work. My own vote would go for Bob Geldorf."

Bob Geldorf (real name Snoop O'Dogg) denies receiving The Edge's vote.

Pope Dead, Tsumani Expected

Pilgrims crushed at Shrine of Ikea

One of the holiest shrines in Western religion, the Ikea Temple in north London was the scene of a crush yesterday when thousands of worshippers rushed in to celebrate the Openning Day - one of the holiest days in the Ikea calendar. Ordinary people who were hoping to partake of holy 'bargains' and to marvel at the strangely-named holy artefacts. But the day turned into tragedy when the priests of Ikea failed to control the throng of eager pilgrims.

Ikea is often viewed as a cult by cynics in the East, who mock it's ritual of giving new and strange names to familiar items. There are over a hundred Ikea temples around the world with their distinct blue and yellow colour scheme. A spokesperson from the Central Church of Ikea, in Sweden, said today, "Bassicum Arthus Proenstik," which translated from the catalogue means "chair drawers wooden spoon."

Headlines from Around the Globe

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Texas to bring back Death Sentance for "Flagrant Homosexuality."