French Scientists: "It's no surprise British scientists cannot find evidence for G-spot."

UK destroyed by snow

Millions feared cold.
Paedophile snowmen warning.
House prices may drop.

Nasa reveals that operation "Space: 1999" is 10 years behind schedule

Nasa tracks down Bin Laden to lunar hide-out

Definition: "Making Whoopi" - sex between a consenting adult and the opposite

Further new definitions from the latest edition of Goldberg's Dictionary of Criminal Sexual Acts include:
"Rape-rape" - the forcing of sexual acts onto another adult.
"Rape" - party game for teenagers.
"Date-rape" - a date where at least one party got what they were after.

Headlines: Anger over healthcare reform causes increased heart-attacks

Rally-goers warned to make sure they have health insurance before they go getting "all worked up."

World Humour Organisation denies Swine Flu is a Hamdemic

Thought piece: Countdown to Heston

Big news in the Netherlands recently was the escape and rampage of Bokito, gorilla resident at Blijdorp zoo. He leapt a wall, swam a moat and all but jumped on horse back to escape. Once out, he grabbed a woman and dragged her around the zoo. He was soon caught and sympathy for the poor animal has been rising since it emerged the same woman used to come into the zoo very often and taunt the gorilla. As the zoo keepers pointed out this was a warning as otherwise she'd be in several pieces and her bones used for toys by the young gorillas. So far from putting Bokito down as some people have called for (including the woman herself), I hope that the woman is banned from every zoo, safari park and pet shop in the world. Not that she has much inclination to go now.

This morning, there was news that in Taiwan a 19-year-old orang-utan has also escaped. I don't want to be alarmist, but do I need to remind you that this is EXACTLY HOW THE PLANET OF THE APES STARTED! If we don't watch out, in a few years, the highest form of life on the planet could be Charlton Heston, currently president of the National Rifle Association.

Meanwhile for decades scientists have been teaching chimps sign language. Good God, People! How long before they start talking, sounding like Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter, and riding horses? And I honestly thought it would be the Triffids that got us.

Stingrays Declared Most Dangerous Species Ever by Popular Science.

Science to Save Mel Gibson’s Reputation

Scientists working for Mel Gibson have proved that drinking alcohol releases antisemitons into the bloodstream. And that these were the cause of his widely-reported tirade and not any deep-seated resentment or racism.
Antisemitons, a scientist who refused to be named explained, create feelings of antipathy towards members of the Hebrew community. The scientist explained that, in tests, mice force-fed alcohol also generated antisemitons and consequently emitted a stream of racist squeaks towards Jewish mice introduced at the other end of the cage.
“We have proved here that Mr Gibson was not responsible for what he said,” explained a spokesperson for Mel Gibson’s Science Research Centre.
When asked to speculate about the origin of antisemitons, the scientist muttered that they were probably “invented by Jews.”

Opinion Piece: It's not alright, Sun.

Every year, 60,000 people die from the effects of the sun. 60,000 people. These are not figures we have just made up. These are from the WHO. That is the World Health Organisation, the respected international organisation formed in 1948 that had hits with My Generation and Pinball Wizard. Regular readers of this news feed know well we have long distrusted this red / yellow menace that fills our sky for several months of the year. Worshipped by many, it has proven links to cancer, sunstroke, sunburn and dehydration. Even more damning, scientists have shown that the Sun keeps the entire Earth in its grasp by an invisible force. We are literally unable to escape from its deadly pull.
Here at Utter Newsense, we urge the governments of the world to stop fighting phoney enemies and fight the biggest menace the world has ever known: The Sun. If we all pull together it is entirely possible we could destroy this evil ball of fire. And then, free at last from the Grave-ity of this sinister star, the Earth can roam free around the universe doing good on every planet and asteroid it passes.
This could be the future, people, if we could only pull together and see the real menace behind our oldest nemesis, The Sun.

Ancient Precursor to the "The Game" found.

Archaeologists in Central Europe have uncovered 2 million year-old cave paintings which they believe are an early form of current publishing sensation, "The Game." In "The Game," men are taught how to attract and bed women. The cave paintings are a pre-historic version of the same, claim scientists.

The series of drawings depict initially a group of male stick figures. In the second scene, one of them approaches a female stick figure. In the next picture, the man bludgeons the girl over the head with his club and, in the final image, drags her by her hair back to his cave.

American Lawyers are already searching to see if ancestors of these paintings can be found so they can file a lawsuit against the author of "The Game," Neil Strauss.

Science News

Scientists Prove Star Trek Marathon Better than Weekend of Sex with Partner.
Anthropologists Prove Scientists Should Get Out More.

More science facts...

If a Butterfly was to flap its wings in Shanghai, it would cause a tsunami warning in British newspapers.
If every Chinese person was to lay end-to-end, it would be called art.
If intelligent life came down to Earth, it would be about time.

News in brief

Minorities blamed for upsurge in racism.
"Politically Correct" proved oxymoron.
American scientists develop Dioxymoron: Hopes to be used in Belgian Millitary Intelligence.

Idols Stars Develop Tsunami Early Warning System

3 former international Idols stars have developed an ingenious system to detect an approaching Tsunami. The system developed during time when they could have been making TV appearances is their contribution to world's Tsunami appeal. Lexus from Germany, Tristia from Belgium and Borek from Slovakia decided that rather than donating their time to such short-term efforts as benefit concerts and telethons, they would use this time to study geophysics, wave technology and macro-electronics and develop a long-term solution.

"Basically, we thought we could donate our time on television," said Lexus, "but how much is this time really worth? Surely it is better to devote our time to developing something worthwhile, rather than attending some lame concert of B-list celebrities."

The system is expected to be ready for use in July 2006 and will be launched during the (anticipated) Soap Stars for Somalia concert.

Gay Probe in 2007

EGALSA, the European Gay and Lesbian Space Agency has announced it has joined the Gay Space Race. In a packed press conference, EGALSA announced the building of their first space rocket, Spinaker 1 in Portsmouth, in the UK.

"Don't Laugh," said the spokesman, "but we want to probe Uranus. We want to be the first to put a man on Uranus. And, if the planet proves to have rings like Saturn, as we suspect, there will several more mission statements."

The European announcement comes years after China built it's first Gay Space Rocket in Shanghai. It has not yet been launched, but The Gay Peoples Administration for the Liberation of Space claim it will be any time soon, especially now there is competition. The ship is called Oriental Pearl TV (Transvexploration) 1.

Not to be out-done, the Americans have also joined the race. The San Francisco-based millitant Fags In Space have announced plans to "Like totally get out there and be pro-active and in-your-face out there in space." Designs for the rocket are so-far only available in ink and pastel.

Wubbo Ockels is The Netherlands first NASA Astronaut.

Portsmouth - Shanghai

Headlines from Around the Globe

British Press find link between Paedophiles and Tsunami
Al-Quaida admits using Paedophiles in attempt to topple British Government
Texas to bring back Death Sentance for "Flagrant Homosexuality."

Hitler Film Causes Controversy

The new film about the last days of Hitler, Der Untergang, has been causing controversy all over Europe, and indeed the world. Many people are up in arms that Hitler is not shown as a monster of pure evil which gives the implication that actual human beings can be that cruel. Many Germans are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised. Many Austrians are unhappy that his German associations are not emphasised. Other Austrians are unhappy that his Austrian origins are not emphasised.

On the other side, The French are dismayed that it is not shown that he did all this without any help from French collabarators. The British are upset, because there is no reference made to Spike Milligan's part in his downfall. The Dutch are annoyed because it in no way attempts to answer the question of what happened to all their bikes.

The Americans are annoyed that no reference is made whatsoever to Hitler's links to al-Quaida and the Tsunami bomb they were jointly developing.

Hollywood is expected to remake the film next year as The Bunker, starring Jeremy Irons as Adolf Hitler and Leonardo Di'Caprio as the young American soldier who assassinates him.

The film is expected to address many of the concerns raised by different countries, except the French ones, and in fact Hitler's Islamic tendancies are to be emphasised particularly in the scenes where he and Osama Bin Laden Sr (Played by Ben Kingsley) work on their Tsunami bomb. Oscar nominations have already been issued.