UK destroyed by snow

Millions feared cold.
Paedophile snowmen warning.
House prices may drop.

Britain Suffering from Terror Alert Terror

Britons are facing a new terror, the terror of Terror Alerts. "People are terrified that at any moment there will be a Terror Alert. It's terrifying," Said Terror Analysist, Terry Wrost. "The terror people feel for Terror Alerts is more terrifying or terrorising than any of the terrors the terrorists have been terrificating. Quite frankly, I'm scared shitless."

Brian O'Bomman, a Terror Consultant from International Risk Assesments PLC, formerly The Actual IRA, told us, "Terrorists want to terrify the more terrifiable non-terrorist members of the public. They use terror tactics, performing terrible acts of terrifying terror to terrify the terrificious inhabitants of terra-firma. It's terrible."

A spokesman for the government said, "Aaaaaaaagghhhhh!!!"

Editorial: English Lose Last Sport they were Good At

The story is familiar. Englands invents a sport - or adopts a sport and claims it invented it - then dominates the world at it for many years only to lose it's pole position. The table is a sad list of former glory lost to emerging nations:

Football - Germany, Holland, Argentina, Brazil, Mexico
Cricket - South Africa, Australia, India, Pakistan, Kashmir.
Rugby - South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Tazmania
Tennis - see Atlas
Sumo Wrestling - Japan

Now, the last vestige of British Greatness and English sporting supremacy has been lost. A once noble and gentlemanly of sports has falled to the foreign foe. I refer, of course, to Darts.

No longer are the agile and graceful athletes of this King of Sports to be found as regulars of our great British centres of sporting excelence: The Bull and Bush, Peckham; the Riled Fishmonger, Portsmouth; and The Queen's Legs, Balham. No, now the champions (or should we say champignons?) of this sporet are more likely to hail from such arena's as De Stier en Bosje, Den Haag or The Dry Well, Kashmir.

For my money this is Great Britain's biggest sporting tragedy since Tiddly-Winks was lost to the French.