Nasa tracks down Bin Laden to lunar hide-out

George Bush & Dick Cheney Early Naval Career Picture

Roman Polanski Arrested: Take the "Directors' Get Out of Jail Free Quiz."

The arrest in Switzerland of cinematic genius Roman Polanski (for skipping bail after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with a 13 year old) has caused outrage for being a “prudish revenge against a great talent” who never abided by the rules. Here's your chance to say what other directors are talented enough to deserve a free pass for.

Do this quiz and pass it on to 20 friends or bad things will happen to people you know.

Headlines: Anger over healthcare reform causes increased heart-attacks

Rally-goers warned to make sure they have health insurance before they go getting "all worked up."

Grave next to Marilyn Monroe up for sale

Necrophiliac with drill offers highest bid.

Utter Newsense: Air Force One WTC flyover declared most inappropriate photo opportunity since Gallipoli Memorial Mud Wrestling Match.

Outrage at cartoon; Americans demonstrate, Middle-East calls for calm

Suggestion that Americans "easily scared" sends U.S. into panic

News in brief

Minorities blamed for upsurge in racism.
"Politically Correct" proved oxymoron.
American scientists develop Dioxymoron: Hopes to be used in Belgian Millitary Intelligence.

George Bush pledges to help victims of Tiramasu

American Preslident George Bush has pledged to do everything in his power to help victims of the recent Tiramasu disaster. "I myself have been a victim of dessert and snack related incidents, and feel a oneditude with the victims. I will give as much as it is in my power to give. Which is not as much as you think it would be." George Bush denies being a desserter from the army.

Millions Raised in Brad and Jen appeal

The public response to the tragic split of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston this weekend has been nothing short of amazing. Within hours of the split, ordinary people were on the phone, pledging to comfort one or the other of the couple.

"I just want to do what I can," said Julie, a secretary from Bradford. "It's so shocking. I never thought anything like this could happen. But now it has, I am prepared to give everything I have to comfort Brad in his hour of need."

"This is a global tragedy," explained Lärøs a student from Stockholm, Sweden. "It affects us all. Everyone of us knows someone who is in love with either Jennifer or Brad. I have friends who are in love with both. On a personal level, I want to let Jennifer know that I would like to do all I can to ease her pain and make her forget what has occured. If I could, I would set my house up as a kind of emergency centre where she could come and stay until... well, forever, really."

Already there is talk of a benefit concert and a charity record to raise cash for the couple to help pay for the plague of lawyers that always descends after a tragedy of this sort. Both Snoop Dogg and Christina Agualezza have already pledged their support and lesser artists have not even been asked becasue oof course they will do it. Elton John has already offered to get Bernie Taupin to rewrite Candle in the Wind yet again.

How the new version might look:

Goodbye Brad and Jen,
Though I never knew you at all,
I saw your faces all the time,
On every spare square of wall.

And I would have liked to love you,
But you were both just kids,
The candle burned out long before,
Your careers ever did.

Said a spokeswoman for Hollywood, "First the Twin Towers, then the tsunami and now this! Can there be no peace for us?"

US, Britain declare war on Allah over Tsunami

The British government today announced it was joining the US-lead war on the force behind the Asian Tsunami disaster. "This is clearly an act of God," stated a Pentagon official, yesterday. "More specifically, an act of Allah."

Theologians have already begun protesting that in many ways there is no difference between God and Allah, it is all a matter of how we as humans interpret him (or her).

When pressed on the matter, the Pentagon merely repeated this could not be the case as "God is one of our guys," and that attempts to blame him in the UN, will be vetoed. He went on to point out that all Islamic Terrorists were by definition followers of Allah, and thus following this new disaster he could be held up as the true leader of all of these organisations.

"We will track him down, wherever he is. Which is everywhere, so it should be easy. In fact because of this, he is already listed as being a detainee of Guantanamo Bay."

US to invade service station for charging too much for gas

The pentagon has announced America's intention to invade the Shaffer Good Custom Service Station in Prosiac, Montanna unless it starts charging less to US citizens.


Typical Service Station.

Diplomatic efforts are being made to prevent the invasion and the UN has offered to send in Price Inspectors. US Secretary for Defense, Insert Name, said that this was all "Time Wasting" and denounced Rob Shaffer, proprietor of the service station, as one of the most evil men known to man.

Also on this 'evil' list also includes Ernie Holt, pump attendant at the service station, and Seth Pinkerston who wipes the windscreens. "These men are a threat to civilisation as we know it," said a spokesman in a particularly gruff voice.

War on Terror Widens

The US government today widened it's hunt for terror organisations. "We're going after these guys. All of these guys," said a spokesman today in the bomb-proof press-room at the White House. "We're going after any organisation we can find who fits our profile of a terrorist. We're going to stop these would-be terrorist groups before they perform some act of terror." The government has issued an updated list of terror Groups. The new list includes:

Al Jazeera
Al Bania
Al Fabetagama
Al Bhundi
Al Jolson
and
Al Cohol

The spokesman refused to elucidate as to what the criteria was to select these new targets.

George Bush pledges to continue the search for Liquids of Mass Lubrication

George Bush has said at a Press-conference from Smallentown, Arizona, that now he has been "re-electified," he will continue his world-wide search for Liquids of Mass Lubrication. He said he would leave no stone "unturnicated" until all sources of such liquids had been turned over to the United States. He expressed "extreme displeasitude that some of these sources were not in the hands of our allies, and more importantly, not in the hands of my friends."

The Bush administration has done more than any other to track down more sources of Liquids of Mass Lubrication and other so-called Requirements of Mass Transit.

New Government Afghanistan declares American Elections Valid

The new governments of Afghanistan has declared the elections in the United States of America, free and, for the most part, fair. "Yes there were some irregularities," admitted a spokesman, "but this is a deeply divided country which is still scarred by ongoing warfare."