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James Cameron makes millions on people "just seeing what the fuss is about."

French Scientists: "It's no surprise British scientists cannot find evidence for G-spot."

Ishatar - new 3D movie sensation

UK destroyed by snow

Millions feared cold.
Paedophile snowmen warning.
House prices may drop.

BBC baffled by artists' refusal to censor song about censorship.

The BBC today stood by their decision to ask the band The C***swingers to censor their latest single, "I don't give a fuck about the word, 'fuck,' gonna fucking say 'fuck' to you." The corporation had originally asked the band to drop the one offensive word from the song without realising it would have left the chorus as "----ity ---- ----, ----ity ---- ----, ----ity ---- ----, ---- ---- ----." A BBC spokesman has said the whole thing was "a bit of a b***s-up." The C***swingers are Kez Shitstorm, Kiz Twatbasher and Humphrey Twistleton-Harbream.

Michael Jackson Movie Said To Be Best Thing Since White, Sliced Bread That Used To Be Brown Bread

Those Nobel Prizes in full

Barack Obama wins the Peace Prize for dividing US so much, fighting remains within the country.
Whoopi Goldberg wins Prize for Linguistics for creating greater diversity in definitions for sexual crimes
NASA wins the original Alfred Nobel Prize for making dynamite that actually works on the moon.

Nasa reveals that operation "Space: 1999" is 10 years behind schedule

Nasa tracks down Bin Laden to lunar hide-out

Definition: "Making Whoopi" - sex between a consenting adult and the opposite

Further new definitions from the latest edition of Goldberg's Dictionary of Criminal Sexual Acts include:
"Rape-rape" - the forcing of sexual acts onto another adult.
"Rape" - party game for teenagers.
"Date-rape" - a date where at least one party got what they were after.

George Bush & Dick Cheney Early Naval Career Picture

Roman Polanski Arrested: Take the "Directors' Get Out of Jail Free Quiz."

The arrest in Switzerland of cinematic genius Roman Polanski (for skipping bail after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with a 13 year old) has caused outrage for being a “prudish revenge against a great talent” who never abided by the rules. Here's your chance to say what other directors are talented enough to deserve a free pass for.

Do this quiz and pass it on to 20 friends or bad things will happen to people you know.

Headlines: Anger over healthcare reform causes increased heart-attacks

Rally-goers warned to make sure they have health insurance before they go getting "all worked up."

17% of twitter updates are about facebook

Grave next to Marilyn Monroe up for sale

Necrophiliac with drill offers highest bid.

World Humour Organisation denies Swine Flu is a Hamdemic

Utter Newsense: Air Force One WTC flyover declared most inappropriate photo opportunity since Gallipoli Memorial Mud Wrestling Match.

This Weeks Special Offer: Japanese Schoolgirl Panty Swine Flu Face-masks

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Newsense Records re-release A-Boys First Album

The A-Boys were one of the first and best-loved of the 1980s Boy Bands. They followed the trusted model of putting diverse people together into one room (or in this case, van) and making sure there was something for everybody. There was the brainy one, the good-looking one, the angry one and the crazy one. For a while they were the best-selling artists on Oldsense Records, going triple-platinum with their albums, "The A-Boys", "Van full of Lovin'" and "Love is a pileup (but nobody gets killed)".

Tracks from the First album:

1. Theme From The A-Boys.
2. Oh Won't You Please (Get on the Plane).
3. You're Crazy, Fool!
4. Drink Your Milk.
5. Gonna Make a Love Boat (Outta this Old Farm Equipment)
6. Bad Attitude.
7. I Love It (When a Plan Comes Together).

After the success, there was the inevitable split and solo careers. BA, became Grand Master T and tried his hand, unsuccessfully, at rapping, which was a shame as "You're Crazy, Fool!" and "Bad Attitude" showed he had a delicate soulful voice. Faceboy released only albums and 12" singles because his face looked too small on 7" singles; and when he refused to issue CDs, soon disappeared. Hannibal went on to become a German air ace and won the Iron Cross. And Murdock became a widely respected, if hard to work with, musician releasing many albums that nobody bought.

Next Week: The Spice Team and Take That Mysteries DVDs are finally released.

Answers to Banners from the cryptic crossword compilers strike

1) Strike!
2) Work To Rule!
3) Down with Management!

Compiled by Aurirowawoiou.

Outrage at cartoon; Americans demonstrate, Middle-East calls for calm

Israel celebrates 60 years of wanted to be wiped off the face of the Earth

Lebanon launches 21 rocket salute
Syria sends special envoy in specially fitted car
Iran prepares a commemorative map of the area (Israel still not included)

Banners from the cryptic crossword compilers strike

New Politically Corrected Spellings

Lisp becomes Lithp
Dyslexia becomes D (or any other letter)
Homosexualilty becomes "Brokeback Mountaineering"
"Time Of The Month" becomes "The Days of Judgement"

New Oscar Categories Announced

- Best Movie Written by Strike-Breaking Writers
- Best Dramatic Movie Starring a Comedian
- Highest Special-Effects to Story Ratio
- Best Foreign Actor Not Playing a Villain
- Most Justified Nudity

Thought piece: Countdown to Heston

Big news in the Netherlands recently was the escape and rampage of Bokito, gorilla resident at Blijdorp zoo. He leapt a wall, swam a moat and all but jumped on horse back to escape. Once out, he grabbed a woman and dragged her around the zoo. He was soon caught and sympathy for the poor animal has been rising since it emerged the same woman used to come into the zoo very often and taunt the gorilla. As the zoo keepers pointed out this was a warning as otherwise she'd be in several pieces and her bones used for toys by the young gorillas. So far from putting Bokito down as some people have called for (including the woman herself), I hope that the woman is banned from every zoo, safari park and pet shop in the world. Not that she has much inclination to go now.

This morning, there was news that in Taiwan a 19-year-old orang-utan has also escaped. I don't want to be alarmist, but do I need to remind you that this is EXACTLY HOW THE PLANET OF THE APES STARTED! If we don't watch out, in a few years, the highest form of life on the planet could be Charlton Heston, currently president of the National Rifle Association.

Meanwhile for decades scientists have been teaching chimps sign language. Good God, People! How long before they start talking, sounding like Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter, and riding horses? And I honestly thought it would be the Triffids that got us.

Thought Piece: murderers

A brief study of murders, particularly those of celebrities, shows that many are carried out by “sad loners.” When is the government going to wake up to this alarming fact and do something about it? Utter Newsense, backed by our CEO, mysterious Australian publishing mogul, Shane Utterly, says the best way to halt this problem is clear. Prevention is the cure. We propose all people who cannot produce a list of more than three friends be locked up for our own safety. How long will we have to live amongst these people before one of them kills again?

Father Ted Sketch

TED: (puts phone down) The cheek of it?
DOUGAL: What's that there?
TED: The fellers there on Rugged Island, they've been going round telling everyone they're the real Craggy Island. And that they're the real us.
DOUGAL: Really?
TED: Yes. They're getting all the tourists that we should be getting there.
DOUGAL: Are you sure that's not true now, Ted?
TED: Yes, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Are you sure? Because I'm having doubts now. I mean I want to be sure I am who you say I am.
TED: Dougal. You are the real Dougal McGuire.
DOUGAL: Oh, right that's good there.
TED: I'm the real Father Ted Crilly.
DOUGAL: Ah, thank goodness.
TED: And one thing we can be sure of: Father Jack is still the Father Jack we always knew.
JACK: Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. TEA!!!!!

OJ Simpson may face death penalty for disrupting TV schedules.

OJ Simpson TV show publicising his new book, "How I Killed My Wife In The Perfect Conditional Tense" has had to be pulled due to pressure from the families of the people he would have killed in the way outlined in the book.

Instead, Simpson has issued a statement about how sales could have been entitled "If They Had Shown It."

More World Trade Center Movies Promised

Following the initial success of the new movie "World Trade Center," a further batch of movies on the same subject has been announced. "Trouble in the Rubble" stars Jet Li and Nicolas Cage as under cover cops fighting Chinese gangsters in the collapsing buildings. "Los Torres Sexidas" is Pedro Almodóvar's exploration of the lives of a frustrated middle-aged woman and a young student trapped together in a shower. Meanwhile, "Snakes in a Collapsing Building," starring Samuel L. Jackson, asks the question, "what if, on September 11th, al-Qaida had not only launched planes into the twin towers, but also released a vast number of deadly snakes. It raises some important philosophical points and includes the soon-to-be classic line, "I'm as motherf***ing motherf***ed as a motherf***er."

Stingrays Declared Most Dangerous Species Ever by Popular Science.

The 12 Signs of the British Government.

Torius - The Bullshitter

Bleo - The Liar

Libra - The Closer of Libraries

Scoopio - The Journalist

Virgo - The House of Commons Researcher

Hot Airies - The Rambler

Chancellor - The Crab

Backbencher - The Scapegoat

Gemini - The Twin Faces

Plagiarius - The Archer

Aulovus - The Can Carriers

Pisces - The Fishy Smell

Middle Eastern News

Israel announces their latest Hamas / Hezbolla recruitment drive a complete success.

Mel Gibson denies kidnapping Israeli soldiers.

Science to Save Mel Gibson’s Reputation

Scientists working for Mel Gibson have proved that drinking alcohol releases antisemitons into the bloodstream. And that these were the cause of his widely-reported tirade and not any deep-seated resentment or racism.
Antisemitons, a scientist who refused to be named explained, create feelings of antipathy towards members of the Hebrew community. The scientist explained that, in tests, mice force-fed alcohol also generated antisemitons and consequently emitted a stream of racist squeaks towards Jewish mice introduced at the other end of the cage.
“We have proved here that Mr Gibson was not responsible for what he said,” explained a spokesperson for Mel Gibson’s Science Research Centre.
When asked to speculate about the origin of antisemitons, the scientist muttered that they were probably “invented by Jews.”