World Humour Organisation denies Swine Flu is a Hamdemic

Utter Newsense: Air Force One WTC flyover declared most inappropriate photo opportunity since Gallipoli Memorial Mud Wrestling Match.

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Newsense Records re-release A-Boys First Album

The A-Boys were one of the first and best-loved of the 1980s Boy Bands. They followed the trusted model of putting diverse people together into one room (or in this case, van) and making sure there was something for everybody. There was the brainy one, the good-looking one, the angry one and the crazy one. For a while they were the best-selling artists on Oldsense Records, going triple-platinum with their albums, "The A-Boys", "Van full of Lovin'" and "Love is a pileup (but nobody gets killed)".

Tracks from the First album:

1. Theme From The A-Boys.
2. Oh Won't You Please (Get on the Plane).
3. You're Crazy, Fool!
4. Drink Your Milk.
5. Gonna Make a Love Boat (Outta this Old Farm Equipment)
6. Bad Attitude.
7. I Love It (When a Plan Comes Together).

After the success, there was the inevitable split and solo careers. BA, became Grand Master T and tried his hand, unsuccessfully, at rapping, which was a shame as "You're Crazy, Fool!" and "Bad Attitude" showed he had a delicate soulful voice. Faceboy released only albums and 12" singles because his face looked too small on 7" singles; and when he refused to issue CDs, soon disappeared. Hannibal went on to become a German air ace and won the Iron Cross. And Murdock became a widely respected, if hard to work with, musician releasing many albums that nobody bought.

Next Week: The Spice Team and Take That Mysteries DVDs are finally released.

Answers to Banners from the cryptic crossword compilers strike

1) Strike!
2) Work To Rule!
3) Down with Management!

Compiled by Aurirowawoiou.

Outrage at cartoon; Americans demonstrate, Middle-East calls for calm

Israel celebrates 60 years of wanted to be wiped off the face of the Earth

Lebanon launches 21 rocket salute
Syria sends special envoy in specially fitted car
Iran prepares a commemorative map of the area (Israel still not included)

Banners from the cryptic crossword compilers strike

New Politically Corrected Spellings

Lisp becomes Lithp
Dyslexia becomes D (or any other letter)
Homosexualilty becomes "Brokeback Mountaineering"
"Time Of The Month" becomes "The Days of Judgement"

New Oscar Categories Announced

- Best Movie Written by Strike-Breaking Writers
- Best Dramatic Movie Starring a Comedian
- Highest Special-Effects to Story Ratio
- Best Foreign Actor Not Playing a Villain
- Most Justified Nudity

Thought piece: Countdown to Heston

Big news in the Netherlands recently was the escape and rampage of Bokito, gorilla resident at Blijdorp zoo. He leapt a wall, swam a moat and all but jumped on horse back to escape. Once out, he grabbed a woman and dragged her around the zoo. He was soon caught and sympathy for the poor animal has been rising since it emerged the same woman used to come into the zoo very often and taunt the gorilla. As the zoo keepers pointed out this was a warning as otherwise she'd be in several pieces and her bones used for toys by the young gorillas. So far from putting Bokito down as some people have called for (including the woman herself), I hope that the woman is banned from every zoo, safari park and pet shop in the world. Not that she has much inclination to go now.

This morning, there was news that in Taiwan a 19-year-old orang-utan has also escaped. I don't want to be alarmist, but do I need to remind you that this is EXACTLY HOW THE PLANET OF THE APES STARTED! If we don't watch out, in a few years, the highest form of life on the planet could be Charlton Heston, currently president of the National Rifle Association.

Meanwhile for decades scientists have been teaching chimps sign language. Good God, People! How long before they start talking, sounding like Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter, and riding horses? And I honestly thought it would be the Triffids that got us.

Thought Piece: murderers

A brief study of murders, particularly those of celebrities, shows that many are carried out by “sad loners.” When is the government going to wake up to this alarming fact and do something about it? Utter Newsense, backed by our CEO, mysterious Australian publishing mogul, Shane Utterly, says the best way to halt this problem is clear. Prevention is the cure. We propose all people who cannot produce a list of more than three friends be locked up for our own safety. How long will we have to live amongst these people before one of them kills again?

Father Ted Sketch

TED: (puts phone down) The cheek of it?
DOUGAL: What's that there?
TED: The fellers there on Rugged Island, they've been going round telling everyone they're the real Craggy Island. And that they're the real us.
DOUGAL: Really?
TED: Yes. They're getting all the tourists that we should be getting there.
DOUGAL: Are you sure that's not true now, Ted?
TED: Yes, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Are you sure? Because I'm having doubts now. I mean I want to be sure I am who you say I am.
TED: Dougal. You are the real Dougal McGuire.
DOUGAL: Oh, right that's good there.
TED: I'm the real Father Ted Crilly.
DOUGAL: Ah, thank goodness.
TED: And one thing we can be sure of: Father Jack is still the Father Jack we always knew.
JACK: Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. Dri.. TEA!!!!!

OJ Simpson may face death penalty for disrupting TV schedules.

OJ Simpson TV show publicising his new book, "How I Killed My Wife In The Perfect Conditional Tense" has had to be pulled due to pressure from the families of the people he would have killed in the way outlined in the book.

Instead, Simpson has issued a statement about how sales could have been entitled "If They Had Shown It."

More World Trade Center Movies Promised

Following the initial success of the new movie "World Trade Center," a further batch of movies on the same subject has been announced. "Trouble in the Rubble" stars Jet Li and Nicolas Cage as under cover cops fighting Chinese gangsters in the collapsing buildings. "Los Torres Sexidas" is Pedro Almodóvar's exploration of the lives of a frustrated middle-aged woman and a young student trapped together in a shower. Meanwhile, "Snakes in a Collapsing Building," starring Samuel L. Jackson, asks the question, "what if, on September 11th, al-Qaida had not only launched planes into the twin towers, but also released a vast number of deadly snakes. It raises some important philosophical points and includes the soon-to-be classic line, "I'm as motherf***ing motherf***ed as a motherf***er."

Stingrays Declared Most Dangerous Species Ever by Popular Science.

The 12 Signs of the British Government.

Torius - The Bullshitter

Bleo - The Liar

Libra - The Closer of Libraries

Scoopio - The Journalist

Virgo - The House of Commons Researcher

Hot Airies - The Rambler

Chancellor - The Crab

Backbencher - The Scapegoat

Gemini - The Twin Faces

Plagiarius - The Archer

Aulovus - The Can Carriers

Pisces - The Fishy Smell

Middle Eastern News

Israel announces their latest Hamas / Hezbolla recruitment drive a complete success.

Mel Gibson denies kidnapping Israeli soldiers.

Science to Save Mel Gibson’s Reputation

Scientists working for Mel Gibson have proved that drinking alcohol releases antisemitons into the bloodstream. And that these were the cause of his widely-reported tirade and not any deep-seated resentment or racism.
Antisemitons, a scientist who refused to be named explained, create feelings of antipathy towards members of the Hebrew community. The scientist explained that, in tests, mice force-fed alcohol also generated antisemitons and consequently emitted a stream of racist squeaks towards Jewish mice introduced at the other end of the cage.
“We have proved here that Mr Gibson was not responsible for what he said,” explained a spokesperson for Mel Gibson’s Science Research Centre.
When asked to speculate about the origin of antisemitons, the scientist muttered that they were probably “invented by Jews.”

Opinion Piece: It's not alright, Sun.

Every year, 60,000 people die from the effects of the sun. 60,000 people. These are not figures we have just made up. These are from the WHO. That is the World Health Organisation, the respected international organisation formed in 1948 that had hits with My Generation and Pinball Wizard. Regular readers of this news feed know well we have long distrusted this red / yellow menace that fills our sky for several months of the year. Worshipped by many, it has proven links to cancer, sunstroke, sunburn and dehydration. Even more damning, scientists have shown that the Sun keeps the entire Earth in its grasp by an invisible force. We are literally unable to escape from its deadly pull.
Here at Utter Newsense, we urge the governments of the world to stop fighting phoney enemies and fight the biggest menace the world has ever known: The Sun. If we all pull together it is entirely possible we could destroy this evil ball of fire. And then, free at last from the Grave-ity of this sinister star, the Earth can roam free around the universe doing good on every planet and asteroid it passes.
This could be the future, people, if we could only pull together and see the real menace behind our oldest nemesis, The Sun.

Suggestion that Americans "easily scared" sends U.S. into panic

From the Archives...

Eggrialites prepare for the coming of The Easter Bunny

In houses all over the world, followers of the Great Profit are eagerly awaiting the return of their Lord and Provider. It is said he descends every year from the planet Mars carrying a supply of goodies for all his followers in his little wicker basket.

The goodies he brings are made of the life-enriching produce of the cocoa plant, shaped by loving artisans in various religiously-designated factories around the world and usually filled with even more goodies, also made of life-affirming chocolate.

Wicker, Man.

Very little is known about the origin of The Easter Bunny. Some say he himself hatched from an chocolate egg laid in a nest made of chocolate, an event known as the Great Nest-Lay. Others say he was the most favoured of Jesus' pet rabbits in heaven who got so very lonely in the years Jesus was on Earth that when Jesus returned, at Easter, the happy bunny pledged to deliver chocolate to the good citizens of Earth every year on this date. Others say it was the Bunny and not Jesus who came to earth, where he spent 30 years preaching the word of the Holy Trinity - The Candy, The Cookie and The Hershey Confection - and then died for our plaque.

Wherever he came from, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Snickers in a Twix

There is, however, discord in Cocoa Heaven. In 2005, author Dan Brownie wrote a terrifying thriller based around speculation on the Easter Bunny bloodline. In it the Holy Chalice, known as the Easter Egg Cup that once contained the brown, syrupy blood of the original Easter Bunny, is protected by a sinister group of chocolatiers, The Fortnums and The Masons.

The book suggests that The Easter Bunny was actually married to Minnie Mousedeline and produced an heir. This bloodline, it claims, can be traced onwards even to this day, and continues to move in royal circles. Specifically it states Sarah Ferguson, the former Duchess of York, contained much of the Easter line in her. Other famous supposed descendents include the actors Sir Bugsford Bunny and Lord Roger of Rabbitshire.

Whoever his descendants are, one thing is sure, kids of all ages will continue to love him, and each year their bodies will grow with their love.

Actress and Bishop Divorce

It was for years the relationship everyone was talking about. Or at least quoting. But today The Actress and The Bishop have announced the end of their affair. Said the Actress, "It was hard, but I knew what I had to do. I had to break it off. I didn't know I had it in me, but I did. It brought tears to my eyes because we both put so much into it. He used to fill me with such pleasure. But somehow it went in the wrong direction. I didn't handle it very well. It was rough, long and hard. And now he's behind me."

Said the Bishop, "I miss that Bitch."

Judas: I didn't realise what Jesus actually wanted was "juicy fried Tomata" not "crucified tomorrow."

Oops.

Dyslexics Sick of Being "But of Cheep Jokes"

Friends and People Unite to Decry "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

Millionaires Rally Round to Condemn publication of "How To Marry A Millionaire."

“The Game” – “evil and manipulative” critics say.

Critics of current best-seller, “The Game” have been calling the book “evil and manipulative,” saying the book uses crude psychology to get people to do things against their wishes. Said a Spokesman for the Critics, "Men are being manipulated into buying this book through promises it of fulfilling their most heart-felt desires: that of bedding and being loved by numerous women.” The critics also go on to claim that once the book has been bought, it seduces men by letting them think it is interested in their welfare when really all it is interested in is selling more books. Said one man who had found himself buying a copy of the book, "I feel degraded. I have been treated as something less than human. This book seduced me with its appeals to my conscious desires. But instead of getting laid, I just ended up speaking to my friends in an incomprehensible code, wearing even more stupid clothes than ever before and actually talking for hours about being into astrology. What have I become?"

Other critics poo-pood the idea that this book was revealing anything new. "These books come out all the time. Every six months there is a new "method” of attracting women that becomes a fad for a while. Sure some of them seem to get girls for a while, but soon they start to go back to their old habits.” Said another critic, "We've seen it all before. We've had the "F-" Plan, The Wolfskin's Action and Waitress-Watchers. People try it, but six months later they’re onto the next 'Get Trim Quick' scheme.”

Ancient Precursor to the "The Game" found.

Archaeologists in Central Europe have uncovered 2 million year-old cave paintings which they believe are an early form of current publishing sensation, "The Game." In "The Game," men are taught how to attract and bed women. The cave paintings are a pre-historic version of the same, claim scientists.

The series of drawings depict initially a group of male stick figures. In the second scene, one of them approaches a female stick figure. In the next picture, the man bludgeons the girl over the head with his club and, in the final image, drags her by her hair back to his cave.

American Lawyers are already searching to see if ancestors of these paintings can be found so they can file a lawsuit against the author of "The Game," Neil Strauss.

easyCome: Latest addition to easyGrope.com

easyGrope.com, the umbrella group for such cost-cutting enterprises as easyPlane, easyTrain and easyAutomobile, have announced a new easyForay into the the world of sex toys. The new company, easyCome, was launched with the usual promises to undercut competitors by reducing unnecessary extras.

The company, easyCome.com has release a small initial product range but hopes to add more in the future. Stelios Havan-IOU the owner of easyGrope.com told reporters, "If you want cheap sexual pleasure, don't go to these other companies - British Appliance or Buzz - we are the best."

Middle-East Protests At Brokeback Mountain Lack of Oscars

(Can You Check This - Editor)