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Movies blamed for upsurge in violence on TV

Mark Schulster, executive at LCD Broadcasting Company, has claimed that the recent upsurge in violence on TV is directly linked to the current trend in violent movies. He said, "it's all too easy to claim it is a social problem, but we all know in our hearts it is linked to movies."

He cites "Mutant Death Cop IV" shown last night on LCD 1 at prime time. The violence in this show is directly related to movies such as "Mutant Death Cop II" and "Mutant Death Cop III: Badge of Blood. Both of which were aired last week on LCD 1."

Schulster lamented the fact that movies were no longer inteligent and story-driven as they used to be. He recalled a favourite movie of his, "Mutant Death Cop," which was about a tragically deformed police officer coming to terms with his own disability and zombie rapists from beyond the Earth. "In the present climate of 'violence, violence, violence' fostered by the movie industry, nobody wants to see this movie any more. In fact I saw it last night and the effects were awful and it cut away just before some of the most gory bits? How are we expected to enjoy that crap? Where was I?"

Schulster finished by stating that his channel, LCD 1, would be showing a series of classic movies to get back to what film-making is really about. The series includes such cinematic classics as "Blood Splattered Graves of the Zombie Killers," "Drill Boy and Axe-Hole go Apeshit," and "The Sound of Music II: The Nazis' Revenge."

[LCD 1 is a division of the Utter Newsense Corporation]

Britain Suffering from Terror Alert Terror

Britons are facing a new terror, the terror of Terror Alerts. "People are terrified that at any moment there will be a Terror Alert. It's terrifying," Said Terror Analysist, Terry Wrost. "The terror people feel for Terror Alerts is more terrifying or terrorising than any of the terrors the terrorists have been terrificating. Quite frankly, I'm scared shitless."

Brian O'Bomman, a Terror Consultant from International Risk Assesments PLC, formerly The Actual IRA, told us, "Terrorists want to terrify the more terrifiable non-terrorist members of the public. They use terror tactics, performing terrible acts of terrifying terror to terrify the terrificious inhabitants of terra-firma. It's terrible."

A spokesman for the government said, "Aaaaaaaagghhhhh!!!"

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